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Schuyler
04-28-2013, 01:17 PM
I just wanted some critique on this story before I start sending it off. There will be no dialogue. All caption will be poetry. It is about heroes who become villains and kill each other and many innocent civilians. This is the first five pages of twenty two. If you are an artist who is interested let me know. It will be a paying gig.

Page One (2 panels)



Panel 1. Midday. A hero team gathers in front of their new building for a photo-shoot. Camera men gather shooting the posing heroes. Many other reporters are gathered to ask questions. The heroes themselves gather in a traditional team pose. There are twelve heroes, smaller ones in front, then medium ones, larger ones in back. The news people in the foreground are in grayscale. The heroes in color.


Yokai is a shape changer but he appears as a small ghostly Japanese boy.


She-Bear is a homeless looking woman. She is covered in dirt and her long hair looks stiff from not being washed. She is more medium size but crouches constantly.


Lula is a tiny woman with big energy. She dresses in jeans and sneakers; her shirt shows the tiniest of cleavage. She has brown shoulder length hair and blue eyes.


Tattoos is a medium sized character but also crouches. He wears only a loin cloth and his body is covered in tattoos. (Tribal tattos are what I picture but I would rather let the artist have thier way.)


The Knight looks out of time in his clothing. He wears medieval clothing most importantly a Templar tabard with the even armed cross. He wears baggy pants tucked into tall boots. He has a hood that mimics a helmet. The Knight has brown eyes and hair, though his hair is graying early. He is medium sized.


Zeda is a medium sized woman who has a small belly. She has, dark skin, brown eyes and black hair that is cut short. She carries pistols strapped to her thighs, and wears black clothing.


Volatile is a medium sized character and actually wears a traditional costume. His spandex is two shades of orange and a dark blue. He wears a visor and boots. His spandex covers his brown hair.


Asunder is another character who wears a costume. He wears a shiny flame retardant material covering his body, except for his hands. He wears goggles and a flame retardant surgeon’s mask.


The Runner is an older man who wears windbreaker pants and jacket. His matching set is black with yellow stripes. His hair is quite grey and he has a few wrinkles but he is quite fit. He has brown eyes and wears expensive running shoes.


Blistering Tongue is a very flamboyant man with his skin tight pink jeans and matching scarf. He wears a black shirt with ruffles on the sleeves. He wears black cowboy boots. The Tongue has blonde hair and blue eyes. He is taller than the other medium characters. He has a large mouth and long jaw. He sticks his tongue out and it is obscenely long.


Fighter Pilot is a medium sized character but would be in the back hovering with her rocket boots. She has long red hair that is offset by her half bionic face. She has small wings that look like an airplane. Her one human eye is green and the bionic one is red. Both her hands are bionic and detachable. She wears jet fighters green fatigues, and has military markings on her breast.


Frank the Tank is a massive man but otherwise very normal looking. His wife makes all of his clothes, and he wears knitted and crocheted clothing, as well as just seemed fabric. Frank has dark skin, dark eyes and dark hair. He inherited this from his Guatemalan parents. He is a proud father and husband.

Panel 2. Zoom out and the building behind them looks akin to a church with a bell tower and all. There is a large plaque that says HEROES UNITED. The bell in the tower is a golden color and reflects the sun.

CAP: We are the heroes of the people.

PAGE TWO (1 panel)

Panel 1. The heroes battle against Ram looking humanoids. Skyscrapers pierce the sky behind them.

The Ram Humanoids have horns that curl on top of their head. They wear armor that is a combination of high tech and medieval. They have hooves instead of feet and they carry rifles that they fire at the attacking heroes.

The Knight wields an energy shield and sword. His sword cuts through Ram men like butter.

Frank the Tank is being fired on by several Ram men at once but he holds two of them above his head, ready to throw. One in each of his massive hands.

Yokai's hand transforms into a flail, crushing his enemies brutally.

Volatile blasts the enemies with a blue energy that emits from his fingers. There flesh melts under the searing hot blast.

Asunder is enveloped in flame and the enemies around him are burning as well. Smoke rises from the burning bodies.

Fighter Pilot is flying overhead deploying missiles from her legs.

Lula has a ball of blue energy in her hand ready to throw but is struck by enemy rifle fire.

The runner leaves tracers as he speeds through the carnage.

Blistering Tongue is aptly named as his tongue almost hangs out of his mouth when he screams sending Ram men tumbling backwards with the force of it. Flesh is ripped from those too close.

Zeda fires her pistols that once holstered at her thigh, while dodging enemy fire. Her aim is deadly.

She-Bear savagely attacks a Ram man ripping at him with her bare hands and screaming in madness, while being fired upon from behind.

Tattoos crouches in the back ready to spring.

CAP: The great defenders against evil.



PAGE THREE (4 panels)

Panel 1. A sketch of a classic caped hero stopping a bank robbery. He holds his hand out as robbers come out of the bank with money spilling from their arms. (No colors. Does not have to be actual pencils just has to look sketchy.)

CAP: Defined by moral sketches--

Panel 2. The Knight kneels before a British queen being dubbed.

Panel 3. Frank the Tank stands before a massive crowd in a Tuxedo. He holds his hand over his heart. A man stands to his left at a podium giving a speech. (I do not want any flags in this panel.)

Panel 4.Yokai is in his ghostly form, standing before a large Buddha statue. Candles and fabric adorn the shrine.

CAP: --and powerful pledges.



PAGE FOUR (5 panels)

Panel 1. A man holds a newspaper out; the headline says “Heroes United Accused of Involuntary Man Slaughter”.

CAP: The Media’s cold sharp edges slice our intentions to edible wedges--

Panel 2. A large line of people grab from a stack of papers.

CAP: --which people shove at incredible paces-

Panel 3. A newscaster adjusts his tie before he goes live. A tech stands by a camera, counting with his fingers.

Panel 4. People in a bar gather around the blue light of a massive television. Some stay at their tables and continue to socialize.

Panel 5. Those under the blue light scowl, their faces twisting and distorting. Those not under the blue light, still laugh and frolic normally.

CAP: --cutting into their faces.

PAGE FIVE (4 panels)

Panel 1. A stack of old newspapers reveals more headlines.



“Are Heroes Above the Law?”


“Government Authorizes Hero Child Study”

“Government Sanctioned Heroes Asked to Resign”

“Famous Hero Accused of Child Molestation”. This paper is on top of the stack. Below this headline in the illegible script it says something about a 30 billion dollar lawsuit and has a picture of tattoos.

Panel 2. Zeda is obviously pregnant now and she is being dragged by armed government agents from the hero building. (Once again I have an idea for what the agents look like but would rather let the artist have his/her way.)

Panel 3. Frank kneels on his lawn weeping as his daughter is dragged away by similar government agents. His wife stands to the side with her arms crossed.


Panel 4. Frank stands over his kitchen table and stares down at the papers there. They say “Divorce” at the top. A pen sits next to the papers waiting to be used.

Schuyler
04-28-2013, 02:26 PM
The poem is hard to cipher through all the panel descripts. It goes like this

"We are heroes of the people.
The great defenders against evil.
Defined by moral sketches,
and powerful pledges.
But the media's cold sharp edges,
slice our intentions to edible wedges,
which the people shove,
at incredible paces,
cutting into thier faces."

I am proud of this idea though it might be strange. One thing I noticed is that page 2 has too much going on. I had that panel as page 2 and 3 but condensed it because I ended up with 23 pages total. I guess I will need to fix that.

I would really like an experienced artist to tell me if they feel like drawing something when they read it. I have already noticed some of my mistakes in grammar and punctuation. However any critique will help me at this stage.

Clockworm
05-13-2013, 09:58 AM
Hi, Schuyler.
Here are some notes on your script.


Page One (2 panels)



Panel 1. Midday. A hero team gathers in front of their new building for a photo-shoot. Camera men gather shooting the posing heroes. (This is technically a moving panel. People can't gather in a static image. You're thinking in movie terms. Have them already gathered. Also, 'new building' is vague. What sort of building? Describe it.) Many other reporters are gathered to ask questions. (Gathered where? The camera men can only be in front of the heroes for a proper shoot. Where are the reporters? Behind the camera men?) The heroes themselves gather (You've already said they're gathered. It would be best to include the fact that they're in a traditional team pose in the same sentence. That'll save you from jumping around and convoluting your panel description.) in a traditional team pose. There are twelve heroes, smaller ones in front, then medium ones, larger ones in back. The news people in the foreground are in grayscale. The heroes in color. (I'm having trouble with this traditional team pose term. I think it would be better if you posed each hero individually, based on who they are as a character. An example being She-Bear, who you note should be crouching. An artist wouldn't get that from traditional team pose. You could also include expressions this way, involving the reader more.)


Yokai is a shape changer but he appears as a small ghostly Japanese boy. (Attire?)


She-Bear is a homeless looking woman. She is covered in dirt and her long hair looks stiff from not being washed. She is more medium size but crouches constantly.


Lula is a tiny woman with big energy. (How is the artist supposed the visually represent 'big energy?'. That's more of a personality trait.) She dresses in jeans and sneakers; her shirt shows the tiniest of cleavage. She has brown shoulder length hair and blue eyes.


Tattoos is a medium sized character but also crouches. He wears only a loin cloth and his body is covered in tattoos. (Tribal tattos (Tattoos. You spelt it correctly just a second ago.) are what I picture but I would rather let the artist have thier (Their.) way.)


The Knight looks out of time in his clothing. He (All in blue is extraneous.) wears medieval clothing (Comma.) most importantly a Templar tabard with the even armed cross. (Reference image/s?) He wears baggy pants tucked into tall boots. (What sort of pants and boots? Metal knight boots? Or just everyday boots?) He has a hood that mimics a helmet. (How does it mimic a helmet? This needs more description. Is it a cloth hood in the shape of a full faced helmet, or something else?) The Knight has brown eyes and hair, though his hair is graying early. He is medium sized.


Zeda is a medium sized woman who has a small belly. (A thin waist or a flat stomach? Maybe both?) She has, dark skin, brown eyes and black hair that is cut short. She carries pistols strapped to her thighs, and wears black clothing.


Volatile is a medium sized character and actually wears a traditional costume. His spandex is two shades of orange and a dark blue. He wears a visor and boots. His spandex covers his brown hair.


Asunder is another character who wears a costume. He wears a shiny flame retardant material covering his body, except for his hands. He wears goggles and a flame retardant surgeon’s mask.


The Runner is an older man who wears windbreaker pants and jacket. His matching set is black with yellow stripes. His hair is quite grey and he has a few wrinkles but he is quite fit. He has brown eyes and wears expensive running shoes.


Blistering Tongue is a very flamboyant man with his skin tight pink jeans and matching scarf. He wears a black shirt with ruffles on the sleeves. He wears black cowboy boots. The Tongue has blonde hair and blue eyes. He is taller than the other medium characters. He has a large mouth and long jaw. He sticks his tongue out and it is obscenely long.


Fighter Pilot is a medium sized character but would be in the back hovering with her rocket boots. She has long red hair that is offset by her half bionic face. She has small wings that look like an airplane. Her one human eye is green and the bionic one is red. Both her hands are bionic and detachable. She wears jet fighters green fatigues, and has military markings on her breast.


Frank the Tank is a massive man but otherwise very normal looking. His wife makes all of his clothes, and he wears knitted and crocheted clothing, as well as just seemed fabric. Frank has dark skin, dark eyes and dark hair. He inherited this from his Guatemalan parents. He is a proud father and husband.

(All these characters should be described in another document or on another page, and then discussed beforehand with the artist. Saves from bogging down your panel description as you can just reference them by name.)

(No dialogue? Not even introductory captions? That's a lot of real estate wasted which could be used to pull us into the story.)


Panel 2. Zoom out and the building behind them looks akin to a church with a bell tower and all. (Any reference images akin to what you're imagining?) There is a large plaque that says HEROES UNITED. (Where?) The bell in the tower is a golden color and reflects the sun. (The building should have been described in the previous panel, or at least the front of it.)

CAP: We are the heroes of the people.

Not terribly impressed by this first page. There's really no meat here. I'm not compelled to turn the page. This is pretty much a waste of space. Nothing's happening. You've got another two pages to garner my interest, though.


PAGE TWO (1 panel)

Panel 1. The heroes battle against Ram looking humanoids. (Where?) Skyscrapers pierce the sky behind them. (Are they in the sky? I got that impression, but you didn't come out and say it.)

The Ram Humanoids have horns that curl on top of their head. They wear armor that is a combination of high tech and medieval. They have hooves instead of feet and they carry rifles that they fire at the attacking heroes. (Again. These Ram things can be described on a character descriptions page.)

The Knight wields an energy shield and sword. His sword cuts through Ram men like butter. (That's quite vague. What's he actually doing? Chopping one in half while looking resolute? I don't know.)


Frank the Tank is being fired on by several Ram men at once but he holds two of them above his head, ready to throw. One in each of his massive hands. (Expression?)

Yokai's hand transforms into a flail, crushing his enemies brutally. (His hand can't transform into a flail which he then uses as a weapon in one static image. That's two panels at least. Have his hand already as a flail.)

Volatile blasts the enemies with a blue energy that emits from his fingers. There flesh melts under the searing hot blast. (Aren't they wearing armour? How are we supposed to see their flesh?)

Asunder is enveloped in flame and the enemies around him are burning as well. Smoke rises from the burning bodies.

Fighter Pilot is flying overhead deploying missiles from her legs.

Lula has a ball of blue energy in her hand ready to throw but is struck by enemy rifle fire. (Her reaction? Pain? Recoiling? Ducking? You're very sparse with your panel descriptions. We need to know what that characters are doing.)

The runner leaves tracers as he speeds through the carnage. (Again. Vague. I have no idea what leaving tracers means. I don't know where, why or what.)


Blistering Tongue is aptly named as his tongue almost hangs out of his mouth when he screams (There's no dialogue for his scream.) sending Ram men tumbling backwards with the force of it. Flesh is ripped from those too close. (Wouldn't the armour be ripped?)

Zeda fires her pistols that once holstered at her thigh, while dodging enemy fire. Her aim is deadly. (How is this shown? Her bullets hitting her targets, perhaps?)

She-Bear savagely attacks a Ram man ripping at him with her bare hands and screaming (Again. No dialogue for the scream.) in madness, while being fired upon from behind.

Tattoos crouches in the back ready to spring.

(You need to give you character's expressions. Nobody can connect with a rubber puppet.)

CAP: The great defenders against evil.

(No sound effects for all the carnage that's going on? No dialogue between the characters? This isn't very involving. Not at all.)

This is a better page to start on, me thinks. It almost renders your last page pointless. However, so far you've had two pages and only two lines, both captions. There's nothing here to grab interest. It's practically silent.




PAGE THREE (4 panels)

Panel 1. A sketch of a classic caped hero (Not one of your actual heroes?) stopping a bank robbery. He holds his hand out as robbers come out of the bank with money spilling from their arms. (No colors. Does not have to be actual pencils just has to look sketchy.)

CAP: Defined by moral sketches-- (Dashes are used for hard stops and interruptions. Continuations spread over multiple panels such as this require ellipses.) (I don't get this. Moral sketches? It this some sort of pun? I may need this explained.)

Panel 2. The Knight kneels before a British queen being dubbed. (Where? What is he wearing? His usual attire? What time period is this? Throw the artist a bone.)

Panel 3. Frank the Tank stands before a massive crowd in a Tuxedo. He holds his hand over his heart. A man stands to his left at a podium giving a speech. (I do not want any flags in this panel.) (Again. Where? What kind of people compose the crowd? You're being too sparse.)

Panel 4.Yokai is in his ghostly form, standing before a large Buddha statue. Candles and fabric adorn the shrine. (Again. Where is this? In a temple? A house? What?)

CAP: (Continuation. Begin this with an ellipsis.) --and powerful pledges.

All this space with no dialogue? Why? This is terribly boring without it. Comics aren't a silent medium. Give us something to read. Even if it's more captions.


PAGE FOUR (5 panels)

Panel 1. A man holds a newspaper out; the headline says “Heroes United Accused of Involuntary Man Slaughter”. (Where? What? Who?)

CAP: The Media’s cold sharp edges slice our intentions to (Into.) edible wedges--

Panel 2. A large line of people grab from a stack of papers. (Too sparse. Where is this?)

CAP: --which people shove at incredible paces- (Full stop.)

Panel 3. A newscaster adjusts his tie before he goes live. A tech stands by a camera, counting with his fingers. (This gives an idea of where. A news studio. Still, I can't work out a camera angle from this. Be more specific. Help the artist help you.)

Panel 4. People in a bar gather around the blue light of a massive television. Some stay at their tables and continue to socialize. (What's the focus here? The people or the television. What's on the television? Where's the camera.)

Panel 5. Those under the blue light scowl, their faces twisting and distorting. (Twisted and distorted how? I have no idea what you mean. With an emotion?) Those not under the blue light, still laugh and frolic normally.

CAP: --cutting into their faces.

You're stretching this out incredibly far. So far, all of this could be comfortably told on one page.


PAGE FIVE (4 panels)

Panel 1. A stack of old newspapers reveals more headlines.



“Are Heroes Above the Law?”


“Government Authorizes Hero Child Study”

“Government Sanctioned Heroes Asked to Resign”

“Famous Hero Accused of Child Molestation”. This paper is on top of the stack. Below this headline in the illegible (If it's illegible, why does it matter what it says?) script it says something about a 30 billion dollar lawsuit and has a picture of tattoos.

Panel 2. Zeda is obviously (There's nothing obvious about it.) pregnant now and she is being dragged by armed government agents from the hero building. (Once again I have an idea for what the agents look like but would rather let the artist have his/her way.) (Expressions? Time of day.)

Panel 3. Frank kneels on his lawn weeping as his daughter is dragged away by similar government agents. (Time of day?) His wife stands to the side with her arms crossed. (Pretty heartless of his wife.)


Panel 4. Frank stands over his kitchen table and stares down at the papers there. They say “Divorce” at the top. A pen sits next to the papers waiting to be used. (Expression? You're wasting every opportunity to get some emotion and pathos into this story.)


Right. This needs a lot of work. There's no story here. Mainly because the pacing is way to fast and there's no dialogue (nothing spoken anyway). This only has seven captions stretched extremely thin over five pages. That poem could be told on one page. Hell, even one panel. Add all this to cutting all over the place and the extremely large cast, and I find it hard to remain anchored in this tale.

Seriously consider adding dialogue. It's only with it that you'll draw us into the story and make us care about the characters. The poem itself is stretched out so unnaturally that it just doesn't read or flow very well. It could well work on a single page, but even then I'd like to see some voiced dialogue.

The large cast makes it almost impossible to connect with the characters. There's too much going on and too much of it happening so fast that I don't know who's who and what's what. Perhaps it would be better if there weren't so many. Just a few. Maybe even one. I could see this working well with one character, documenting their struggles and emotions through their descent into villainy.

Your panel descriptions are very sparse, missing scene descriptions, actions and expressions. I was in a white void half the time. Help the artist out. Throw them a bone. You don't have to describe every single thing in great detail. Broad strokes are fine. Also, give camera angles. Often, a panel description will dictate the shot without you having to be explicit. Some panels will work only with the camera in a specific position, or limited number of positions. However, the majority of panel descriptions need shots.

This will need a rewrite. As many as it takes to get it where it needs to be. Tighten up the pacing and give us something to read.

Hope my notes were helpful in making this a solid story.
Cheers
Liam

Found this critique helpful? I'm available for editing work! (http://www.lhcomics.com/editing)

Steven Forbes
05-13-2013, 02:12 PM
It's like looking in a mirror...if said mirror were in the UK...

-Steven

Clockworm
05-13-2013, 03:46 PM
Is that a compliment, or...

Cheers
Liam

CHWolf
05-13-2013, 04:05 PM
That, or the two cats who paw at each other identically.


What's weird is I actually have a couple quibbles with the notes! Haha. "Obviously" pregnant, to me, would mean "Pregnant enough for it to be obvious", and before that "small belly" meant she had a belly protruding, but it's still small.

It definitely could be clarified, though.

Clockworm
05-13-2013, 06:22 PM
Having a small baby bump is different from having a small belly. It needs to be clearer.

'Obviously pregnant'. Yeah, I misread that. Fair enough.

Cheers
Liam

Schuyler
05-16-2013, 01:44 AM
Thanks Liam!

This script disappeared a couple days ago because it was old I think. No one had said anything and I appreciate that you looked at it and took the time to edit as much as you did. I realized my panel description issues (probably not all of them) after I posted this script and was relieved when it disappeared a few days ago. I have been doing a lot of research about how to write a better comic and saw the many errors I was making. As I have learned more I also realized that a real editor was going to have pacing issues with this story.

I know I have to rewrite the story and appreciate your input and will use it. I cannot believe I did not put sound effects on the second page or any page for that matter. I was so insistent that I would write it without dialogue that I went totally silent. That piece of advice will help me with my pacing issues.

I really do not want to add dialogue and so that is some advice I may never follow. I know you guys might scoff and say that I am making a mistake. It is just how I want that story. I have another story that is traditional in the elements that are used to create it. The traditional story is my true baby this is a side project that interests me.

CH wolf thanks for pointing that out about the pregnant thing. I do see that clarification is needed but you were able to cipher my actual meaning. And thanks for taking the time to read it. You too Stephen. I submitted to the proving grounds with my script that actually has dialogue. We will see how that one fares. Ha ha!

Thanks again Liam!

-Schuyler Van Gunten