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View Full Version : A script looking for critique.


spectre216
04-24-2013, 07:23 PM
Here is my script (the first page I posted about a week ago) for critique. I tried to keep the format readable (but it went from celtx to libre to googledocs) so if you have any formatting suggestions I'd love to hear those as well.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rEGiZndHjzWfa7Udf9bbuDVFOOGo_cuL39MCTsp1uGQ/edit?usp=sharing

ikester
04-25-2013, 07:53 PM
Just some things I noticed.

Page 3
Panel 1/Caption: Awkward wording. Maybe "It's been almost two years since the attack that alerted the world to the 'bloodmancers.'"
Panel 5: It seems like a little too much jumping around on this page. I think panel 5 was a flashback but it gave me no indication of where/when it was happening.

Page 4
Panel 3: I don't think you can show all of this from the angle of you are expressing. Maybe just describe one foot on the door kicking it inward.

Page 5
Panel 3/Caption: Awkward wording.

Page 6
Panel 3: Instead of behind, try and use the word foreground to describe where she is along with him being in the background. A few other places where this would apply as well.
Panel 4: I'm guessing these are thought bubbles, you just forgot to denote that.

Page 5-6: I'm not really sure what happened in this scene in the sense of why the DETECTIVE thought she was up to something. He seemed to realize he was wrong once he saw them together, but what made her think she had done something wrong?

Page 7
Panel 2: I think having both this caption and the dialogue are redundant.
Panel 4: Angle would help; are we seeing the street or the alley?