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spectre216
04-17-2013, 06:39 PM
I feel that the first page of a comic is the most important page of the series. It can mean someone picking it up or leaving it on the shelf. So here is the first page of my comic. Looking for C&C of how to improve it, and I will post the rest as it gets finished, but wanted to separate the first page from the rest of the story, since you would see it without knowing anything else about the story. So what do you guys think?

PAGE 1
Panel 1 The body of a man in a sleazy business suit hangs in a mostly empty warehouse. There are some crates sitting about, however. Blood is running down his arm and dripping from his fingers. His head is hanging, so that his hair falls in front and hides his face. Two police officers are standing around the body, one taking pictures, the other taking notes in a notepad.
Caption: Chicago.
Caption: May 4, 2029.
Caption: 12.48 P.M.
Panel 2 A man in a long trench coat and a stetson pulls open the large metal door to the warehouse, which opens like an old garage door. His face is hidden by the hat being slanted forward.
Caption: He was found hanging here by the first crew to come in this morning.
Panel 3 Close-up. The man tilts his hat back and shows the face of a thirty something year old detective, mid length brown hair, and a small scar on his left cheek. His face has some scruff on it.
Caption: The crew called the boys in blue.
Detective
What've you boys got for me.
Caption: They called him.

Magnus
04-17-2013, 07:06 PM
Nothing wrong with it story-wise, per se. But it's awfully cliché, and carries very little story in it.

All we know after one page is a) there's been a murder and b) this our detective/protagonist and c) that it's in 2029, so we'll be expecting some future tech/sci-fi element.

Unless the art was stellar, or I knew one of the people in the team, I probably wouldn't read on. That said, I don't think the first page is a deal-breaker, but you better pull off something by the 3rd page.

But again, this page gives us nothing new. A scar on his cheek… I mean, come on. We've seen that a bajillion times.

Harsh, but that's my opinion.

:M:
www.magnus-aspli.com

spectre216
04-17-2013, 07:29 PM
Nothing wrong with it story-wise, per se. But it's awfully cliché, and carries very little story in it.

All we know after one page is a) there's been a murder and b) this our detective/protagonist and c) that it's in 2029, so we'll be expecting some future tech/sci-fi element.

Unless the art was stellar, or I knew one of the people in the team, I probably wouldn't read on. That said, I don't think the first page is a deal-breaker, but you better pull off something by the 3rd page.

But again, this page gives us nothing new. A scar on his cheek… I mean, come on. We've seen that a bajillion times.

Harsh, but that's my opinion.

:M:
www.magnus-aspli.com

Well I changed a typo I somehow managed to miss (rereading the same things over and over again can be dangerous). The detective isn't really the main character.

As for something happening, this is what I had planned for page 2. Would this interest you a bit more? Maybe I can find a way to integrate part of this into that first page.

PAGE 2

Panel 1 The officers raise their arms, dropping their things. Blood bursts from the body, flying toward the detective.
Caption: They used the body as bait--
Caption: --as well as ammo.
Panel 2 The blood wraps around the detective as he shrieks in pain.
Caption: He never stood a chance.
DETECTIVE
AGGGHHH!
Panel 3 The officers stand over the police officer who flails on the ground, attempting to break free. They have evil grins on their faces.
Caption: A war against humanity was coming.
Panel 4 One of the officers kneels down and grabs the terrified detectives face.
Panel 5 Blood shoots from the officers mouth into the detectives.
Caption: It was against an enemy we could never have predicted.
Panel 6 The detectives eyes turn black and cry a little bit of blood. His face is emotionless.
Caption: Not even in our darkest nightmares.

Magnus
04-17-2013, 07:44 PM
Now, this was something else.

I would hint that something strange is about to happen at the end of your first page. That'll make your opening page have a proper page turner.

See, you got me by the 3rd page.

:M:
www.magnus-aspli.com

spectre216
04-17-2013, 07:58 PM
Do you think that moving the first panel of the second page to the end of page one would work? Or would something like having the officers turn around with black eyes work better?

Magnus
04-17-2013, 08:28 PM
Moving that first panel seems a bit excessive. You want to hint. You want to create a mystery. A question in the readers mind. I guess they'll question "what the hell is that?" if you moved that first panel, but personally I'd go with something a lot more low key. Some subtle visual on the officers, maybe, yeah…


:M:
www.magnus-aspli.com

ColbyAddison
04-18-2013, 09:56 AM
Subtle visual on the officers or simply change the caption on the last page panel of page 1.