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View Full Version : Feedback for kids story


Jkahn
03-27-2013, 10:33 PM
This has been a pet project of mine for a good number of years. It has gone through a variety of rewrites and reworks, from a single issue, to a web series, to an ongoing series to a multi-volume graphic novel, to this new iteration a single graphic novel. I've come up with these two log lines that summarize the story and a 1 page synopsis. I'd love for any feedback that can be provided. Thanks in advance.

Log Line 1
Having lost her family at birth to the hands of a dark wizard, Ringa tries her best to live a normal life but eventually must face her past as well as a new threat while coming to terms with her new found powers all while accepting herself for who she is.

Log Line 2
Ringa must fight a dark wizard and aliens while finding out the truth to her past as well as making friends without them getting hurt in the process.


Motrol attacks castle Raggedy after learning of a prophecy foretelling his destruction by the hands of the new born princess, Ringa Raggedy. During the attack a maid along with Ringa, sneaks out of the castle to a far away kingdom where she raises Ringa as her own. The maid keeps Ringa's past a secret, afraid Ringa's heart would be broken if the truth to her past was found out.

Meanwhile, Motrol searches far and wide for Ringa, eventually making his way to the kingdom where Ringa now resides. By this point, Ringa has developed certain unique powers as foretold in the prophecy, such as super strength and flight. Due to her uniqueness, she's often bullied.

Motrol kidnaps Molly, not realizing she is one of Ringa's bullies, to use as bait to luring Ringa to him. Conflicted , Ringa ponders whether or not she should help someone who bullied her. Deciding to go save Molly, Ringa is able to defeat Motrol after some hesitation which causes Molly to get hurt. Molly starts seeing Ringa in a new light and decides to become friends with her. Problem is, Ringa feels ashamed that her hesitation caused Molly to get hurt, so she locks herself in her room.

Ever since Motrol was defeated there have been numerous anomalies happening all over, from Earth tremors to lights in the sky. Thinking she can get Ringa out of her room, Molly invites Ringa to go watch the strange lights in the sky together. Aliens ships start dropping from the sky causing a mass panic. Molly begs Ringa to go help everyone, but Ringa refuses believing her powers only cause harm. The Aliens make their way to Ringa's house capture everyone they see along the way.

Ringa hears Mollly scream as the aliens drag her away. Ringa feels conflicted, she's afraid someone will be hurt if she uses her powers, yet she also would feel bad if someone gets hurt if she doesn't use them. All hope seems lost as Molly and the rest of the kingdom are led onto a spaceship where they'll be taken into space and sold off. Suddenly, having finally found her resolve, Ringa bursts onto the scene and defeats the aliens saving everyone.