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View Full Version : Working on a script and I need some C&C


Doug Wood
03-26-2013, 09:55 PM
Hello,
I am a new to this forum, but I have been contributing over at the PencilJack Forums for about a year. I have been working with an artist on a shot story for GrayHaven Comics, and the artist told me about this site. I also have recently been working on an Untitled bank robbers story and I really could use some help to make sure it is interesting. The story is about a mobster, who while out on bail, needs to pull some bank jobs to make up for his boss' lost revenue. When the mobster miss his court date, a fame seeking bounty hunter is out to collect on the huge pay day and the publicity. Let me know what you think and thanks for taking the time to read regardless. Also, I need to state that I am a disable veteran. I suffer from a traumatic brain injury and I have difficulty regulating my punctuation and grammar. So please go easy on me in those areas.

Untitled

Page 1 (5 Panels)

Panel 1 Int. minimum security prison. A medium shot of Cade Washington as he stands at the interior gate to be released to the out processing officer. There is a guard standing to his right talking into a radio handset.

GUARD
Open gate 2.

Panel 2 Overhead shot from behind the reception desk. Cade Washington is standing in front of the reception desk and being handed his civilian clothes. (Three piece suit, tie, dress shoes) The guard is in the background leaning on the wall with his arms crossed. He looks angry.

GUARD
I don't know how your lawyer talked Judge Yancy into setting your bail so low. With your history shoulda known you were a flight risk.

Panel 3 Side shot of Cade Washington as he gets dressed back into his civilain attire. The guard is in the same place as last panel.

GUARD
Don't matter too much though, I'll be seeing you back here really soon. Good money on your jury convicting your ass.

Panel 4 Cade is nonchalantly signing his release forms. The guard has a dickish smirk on his face.

GUARD
And when your back in here, I can take care of that pretty little girlfriend of yours.

Panel 5 Low shot looking up at Cade. Cade has the exit door to the facility open, but turns back to get in one fuck you to the guard. Cade has a cocky smile on his face and gives a little dismissive hand gesture as he speaks.

CADE WASHINGTON
Thanks, took a load off my mind. Will be sleeping good tonight.

Page 2 (5 Panels)

Panel 1 Ext prison. It is noon outside and the sun is very bright. Side shot as Cade emerges from the prison; he has to shield his eyes from the sun. A black luxury car is parked in the street in front of the prison.

Panel 2 Medium shot of the cars back passenger window. The window has rolled down and Harry McCollum is sitting in the back.

HARRY MCCOLLUM
Get in.

Panel 3 Tight close up of Cade. He looks nervous.

CADE WASHINGTON
(Whisper)
Shit.

Panel 4 Int. car. Cade has entered the back seat of the car. To his right sits Harry McCollum. This is a low shot.

HARRY MCCOLLUM
We have a job for you. Boss is wanting money to make up for that missed pay day.

CADE WASHINGTON
What's the boss got in mind?

Panel 5 Side shot of the two in the car. Harry is in the foreground of the panel. Harry is all business and his expression is very serious. While Cade sits in the back ground of the panel. Cade looks uncomfortable.

HARRY MCCOLLUM
One or two bank jobs should do it.

Page 3(4 Panels)

Panel 1 Int. living room of an apartment. There is a couch sitting in front a large flat screen tv. (50') Two people are sitting on the couch and one stands near the door to the apartment. Mark Su is the one standing near the door. Thug #1 sits on the right side of the couch and Thug #2 sits on the left side of the couch.

MARK SU
What do you mean you ain't givin' me any product to push?

Thug #2
You can't be pushin' for a while, asshole.

Panel 2 Side shot of the front door as it is being kicked in. Mark Su throws his nearest arm to guard his face

(SFX)
CCRRRAACKKKK

MARK SU
What the fuck?

Panel 3 Low side shot of Shawn Miller standing in the doorway with his arms in a boxing stance. Shawn Miller has stun knuckles on each of his fists. Mark Su stands shocked.

SHAWN MILLER
Mark Su? I have with me a warrant for your arrest,for not appearing at your scheduled court date.

MARK SU
Even with a warrant you can't just kick in my fucking door, man!

Panel 4 Extreme action shot. Shawn's fist (stun knuckle) is mid-contact with the nearby Mark Su.

(SFX)
WHACK

SHAWN MILLER
Tough shit, asshole.

Page 4(4 Panels)

Panel 1 Overhead shot. Shawn is kneeling down with all is weight on his left knee in the small of Mark's back, to keep him pinned down. Shawn's right hand is holding Mark's arm and Shawn's left hand reaches into his kit. (pouches on the combat vest)

SHAWN MILLER
Don't fucking move.

Panel 2 Medium shot of Shawn pulling out a gas mask.

Panel 3 Small insert panel Shawn has the gas mask on and is pulling out a tear gas cannister out of his kit.

Panel 4 Shawn is tossing a tear gas cannister into the center of the living room.

Panel 5 The tear gas cannister explodes. The two thugs are reacting to the explosion.

THUG #2
Son of a Bitch

Page 5(3 Panels)
Panel 1 Overhead shot from behind Shawn. Shawn has stood back up and is moving to attack the blinded Thug #2 sitting nearest on the couch.

Panel 2 Side shot of Shawn tackling Thug #2, who was still sitting on the couch. Thug #3 is in the background of the panel. He has stood up and is rubbing his eye furiously.

Panel 3 Extreme action action. Thug #3 with tears in his eyes swings wildly at Shawn.

Page 6 (4 Panels)

Panel 1 Close up of Thug #3 punch landing on Shawn's nose.

Panel 2 The Thug throws another punch. Shawn's nose is bleeding and he looks dazed.

Panel 3 Medium shot of Shawn reaching out and catching the Thug's hand.

Panel 4 Extreme shot. Shawn breaks the arm by jamming his hand upward on the thug's elbow.

Page 7 (6 Panels)

Panel 1 Ext. apartment building. Overhead shot behind the two characters. Shawn has Mark Su in handcuffs and is leading him towards his van. Mark is in pain and is crying from the tear gas. Shawn is no longer wearing the gas mask in this panel. He has a big smile on his face.

MARK SU
Police brutality, I'm going to sue your ass.

SHAWN MILLER
I ain't police shitbag. What cop you knows has badass gear like mine?

Panel 2 Close up on Mark, who is angry.

MARK SU
I give two shits who you work for. I am going to have all of your money real soon, asshole.

Panel 3 Medium shot from behing. Shawn has the side door to his van open and is shoving Mark into it.

(SFX)(phone Ringing)
deet... deet... deet

Panel 4 Medium shot of Shawn. He has his cellphone to his ear and is closing the van door.

SHAWN MILLER
Hey man, I was just about to call you. I'm loading up that Su bounty in to my van and headed to collect.

JOSH JIMENEZ
(Phone Burst)
Good shit... Good shit. Listen, just had the big one come up on the wire and I thought I'd give you a heads up.

SHAWN MILLER
How big we talking, brotha?

Panel 5 Shawn is entering the drivers side of the van.

JOSH JIMENEZ
(Phone Burst)
This motherfucka is connected. Like, mobbed up and everthing. This dude may even be a made man!

SHAWN MILLER
Holy shit! Do you know what this means? If I collect on this, we would finally be able to get that reality show! It's fuckin' on!

Panel 6 Overhead shot of the van peeling out.

paul brian deberry
03-27-2013, 10:28 AM
You did alright. Stories drawable.

However, if I was a publisher I would pass.

You're telling me an interesting story with your panels. BUT,

Dude, come on Larime Taylor (google it) is in a wheel chair and draws using his mouth. It's a shitty thing to compare you two, because you both have different disabilities. But, you need to figure out a way.

I'm terrible with my punctuation and grammar (hell, I had to reread this post 50 times before I could post.) Trust me. I'm the last person that should be calling you out.

Here's why I pass... The problem is with the dialogue, not so much with your panels. Only person looking at your panels will be your artist and editor.

You have to work hard to clean up your dialogue. Yes, the punctuation and grammar need work. You're just not telling me an interesting enough story with dialogue. I've talked with a thousand editors and publishers and they told me this every time - ART (IMAGES) IS WHAT BRINGS A PERSON TO A BOOK. STORY AND DIALOGUE IS WHAT KEEPS THEM COMING BACK.

You obviously have talent if GrayHaven picked up a story (I have story coming out with them.)

I'm saying you need to find away. Don't make your disability an excuse.

Doug Wood
03-27-2013, 01:59 PM
I want apologize, after reading what Paul Brian DeBerry mentioned, I reread my post. In my head, I wasn't looking to excuse myself, but instead I was looking for an understanding from all who would read my script. I know these problems I have and since none of you know me, I wanted you to know that I know many first time writers come on to these message boards with poor grammar and no punctuation. Those people are often told that no one will read their work because of those issues. I, on the other hand, know how to get an editor to look at my work. Before I wanted to hassle the editor to look, I was hoping that to make sure the story was compelling, the dialog right and other things that are important. All simple things that can be fixed before bothering my nice editor.

PBD- Is there a specific thing about the dialog that ruined it? Was the language too bro speak? I was trying for authentic dialog that is a ways away from how I speak. Maybe I tried to hard and it reads either boring or forced? I appreciate taking the time out to help and if you have a few more moments to spare, I would love to hear more.