View Full Version : Feedback needed!

03-26-2013, 01:27 AM
So below is an 8 page script I wrote tonight, nothing spectacular, something to help me get the creative juices flowing. I am hoping to create a small 4/6 issue mini series at about 8 pages per issue.

I'm hoping to do this to help introduce characters, set a back story and create a fan base for my main idea i've yet to flesh out 1000000%. Anyways this is just a rough draft and my first attempt in this medium (comic books!) and I would love any and all feedback/criticism.

Like I said my goal with this story is to get the reader intrigued and to set up a little back story as well, please let me know if I accomplished either if any of those! Thanks!

Page One


1. Transition: "Green Zone - Iraq - 1990"

Extreme over head shot of an Army truck driving through an empty, hot desert with a trail of dust behind them.

2. Inside of the truck with Soldier #1 in the front passenger seat, Soldier #2 driving and Soldier #3 in the backseat watching out the window. Outside the truck is a loud noise (SFX: SSSST-POP!).

3. Extreme close up of the trucks tire exploding to shreds.

Page Two


1. Wide shot of the truck at a standstill with Soldier #2 changing the tire. Soldier #3 is manning the mounted gun on top of the truck standing guard while Soldier #1 is staring at them both scratching his head.

Thank God it blew all the way out here
and not in that city.

Just thank God we still have a spare to use.

2. Close Up of Soldier #1 drinking water from his canteen carelessly, with a lot missing his face, splashing down.

3. Same Close Up of Soldier #1, his face is still wet but the canteen is now out of view. His face boasts a cheesy grin.

Well…it looks like you two have
this handled. I gotta go water the uh dirt.

4. Extreme Wide/Overhead Shot of the army truck being repaired and Soldier #1 walking away from them for privacy. His footprints are visible in the sand

5. Close up of Soldier #1's face which is staring at the ground in front of him. His eyes are wide in shock and his mouth agape.


Page Three


1. Soldier #1 has his pistol drawn and aimed at a snake on the ground in front of him, coiled and ready to strike him.

I hate…

2. Close up of Soldier #2 who is looking over his shoulder, back at Soldier #1 who is barely visible in the background. (SFX: BANG!)

3. Same close up of Soldier #2 looking back, this time the outline of Soldier #1 is facing him and waving from the distance, he has to yell for the others to hear him.

I'm alright…just a snake!

Dammit! Was that necessary?

4. Soldier #1 finds a spot along some rocks unzips his pants and starts peeing. (SFX: Pssssssssss)


Another sound can be heard in behind him (SFX: SSSSSSSSS)

5. Close up of Soldier #1 who is still peeing, his eyes are shifted to where the other noise is coming from.

Come on, not another…

6. Wide shot, Soldier #1 has spun around to stare at the sound coming from the ground behind him, he has forgotten to button up and a spray of urine marks his spin.

What the hell?!?

Page 4


1. Close up of Soldier #1 looking down at his some what piss stained pants, trying to brush it off.


2. Close up we see a picture of a small sink hole, slowly sucking in sand creating a water drain affect. Soldier #1 is in the background staring at the hole, cautiously approaching the hole.

Hey guys! You should come see…

3. Close up of Soldier #1 foot which has been swallowed up to it's ankle in sand. His foot is being slowly pulled towards the hole by the sand.

4. Soldier #2 and #3 are walking towards where they lost saw Soldier #1, but he is not in site.

What the hell is he trying to pull now?

Don't know and don't care, we aint got time for this!

5. Close up of the sand sinkhole with Soldier #1's hand in the middle. The rest of his body has been sucked in and is no longer visible as his hand/fingers are gripping in the air for help. We can see the blacked out outlines of Soldier #2 and #3 in the background approaching him, unaware.

Page 5


1. Soldier #1 is falling down, the background is blacked out. Below him is a pyramid of sand, a result of the sand sink hole.

2. Soldier #1 is laying on the side of the sand pyramid, recovering from his fall. Most of his surroundings are blacked out from lack of light.


3. Extreme close up, a torch on the wall reacts to the sound of a human voice and ignites itself.

4. Wide shot of the entire cavern room now fully lit with torches. The view is from behind Soldier #1 looking forward down the path. It's a perfect rectangular hallway only a few people wide. It's sides are lined with perfectly crafted columns creating a path down the center. The floor lining the path is marked with strange letters/markings. A small source of light is visible at the end.

5. Soldier #1 starts walking down the path, staring quizzically ahead.

Is that light? A way out?

6. Close up, SOLDIER #1's foot trips over a brown object.

Page Six


1. Close up of Soldier #1 who is pushing himself up from the floor and up off another body. His face is twisted in grotesque horror.

2. Close up of rotted skeletal corpse face with a nazi hat and bullet wound between his eyes.

3. Soldier #1 is brushing himself off and walking away from the corpse, to the source of light.

What the hell have I stumbled into?

4. Soldier #1 is face to face with the source of light now, a vertical, stagnant wall of water with no reflection. There are ceremonious torches, markings, lining the frame of the water wall.

What the…this can't be natural!

5. Close up of Soldier #1's hands reaching to his side for his canteen.

6. Soldier #1 reaches out with his canteen to draw from the water. Part of his hand and canteen are not visible as it touches the water.


7. The middle of the wall of water is in the middle of the panel. Soldier #1's feet are off the ground and being sucked into the wall, up to his knees are visible. On the other side of the wall is nothing as if Soldier #1 disappeared piece by piece into the wall.

Page Seven


1. "Transition: The next day…"

Extreme Wide Shot, same area where the army truck has broken down. It is now littered with military personnel and gear, searching for the missing soldier.

2. Focus on an Army General, Soldier #2 and Agent (decked out in armor, heavily armed, wearing black sunglasses). All three are standing close to the sand sink hole, talking to each other.

…and this is the last place we saw of him General, I swear.

Thank you Corporal, that will be all.

3. Soldier #2 walks away from the two men who are somewhat alone. They are both staring down at the sink hole.

You tell me what's next. My opinion, this
is a big waste of time and resources. Just like this
dammed country, a waste.

To you it's just a hole, to me an my people…
it's a new beginning.

4. Agent is walking towards the hole, leaving the General behind him.

Call your men off General, my employers can
handle it from here.

5. The General is staring at the back of the Agent as he walks away, his face somewhat dumbfounded.

What a prick!

6. Close up of the Agent speaking into a radio.

Send the excavation team to
my coordinates. Let him know, I found the gate.

Page 8


1. Splash page - Soldier #1 is sitting on the ridge of a canyon over looking an alien jungle. The sky is filled almost entirely with another planet and it's orbiting moon. A large flying alien can be seen in the distance soaring through the purple hughes night sky. The jungle is filled with trees similar to earths jungles but slightly different with rivers twisting through. Soldier #1 is cautiously looking over the edge, we can only see his back illuminated with the purple hue.

How the hell am I going to get home?

Comics Commando
03-31-2013, 04:42 AM
Looks like you're getting your punctuation cues from facebook...which is not what you want to do.

Master the basic comma. It's 8th-grade English, after all.

Thank you Corporal, that will be all.

should be:

Thank you, Corporal, that will be all.

Look at novels or buy a book on punctuation.

Can you imagine a comic artist who doesn't know anatomy? Writers need to know punctuation.


04-01-2013, 12:34 AM
While I agree that a writer should obviously know their trade, I don't believe correct grammar is necessary in dialogue. More times than not correct grammar sounds awful out loud. Especially when commas are involved.

"Thank you, Corporal, that will be all" is grammatically correct but sounds awkward broken in three segments.

"Thank you Corporal, that will be all" is grammatically incorrect, but for my money it sounds much better and more natural.

Just really depends on the character and emotion of the scene. Dialogue is, and should be treated differently than your typical writing.

04-01-2013, 12:43 AM
Having said that though, sometimes correct grammar in dialogue IS needed.

Comics Commando's example is a great one to consider.
"Let's eat Grandma."
"Let's eat, Grandma."

Huge difference.

Steven Forbes
04-01-2013, 01:17 AM
While I agree that a writer should obviously know their trade, I don't believe correct grammar is necessary in dialogue. More times than not correct grammar sounds awful out loud. Especially when commas are involved.

"Thank you, Corporal, that will be all" is grammatically correct but sounds awkward broken in three segments.

"Thank you Corporal, that will be all" is grammatically incorrect, but for my money it sounds much better and more natural.

Just really depends on the character and emotion of the scene. Dialogue is, and should be treated differently than your typical writing.

There's correct grammar, and then there's the affectation of a dialect.

Don't confuse the two. Correct grammar will ALWAYS be necessary in dialogue. If it isn't, then it will look like either the writer or the editor didn't do their job. If there's a dialect involved, then grammar can be sacrificed somewhat. But only somewhat.


07-23-2013, 12:14 PM
Thanks guys, like I said I wrote it quick that night and without editing. Was looking for more of run through of the story. My mistake, got excited and jumped the gun.

But I understand, I will make sure my dialogue is cleaned up before I post again.

Also, no need to be snarky when pointing out others mistakes CCommando. There's ways to discuss items without coming across as pompous. Just saying.

Steven Forbes
07-23-2013, 02:47 PM
He wasn't being pompous. He was being polite.

Me? I'm pompous. (Usually.)

This IS basic English. Not even high school English, but grammar school stuff. That means it isn't rocket science.

I've come to several conclusions when it comes to the comma. My first conclusion is that they just aren't teaching it in school anymore. However, I have children, and they have to write papers. I never have to correct them on their comma usage.

My second conclusion is that new writers are really just storytellers who are trying to get their feet wet with writing. They aren't readers, and they aren't used to seeing their ideas on paper. That means they aren't real writers. They don't have the love of language, or at least the respect for it, that real writers have. They just want to tell their story.

Have I missed commas before? Yep, but I don't make it a habit. My habit was missing the apostrophe between its and it's. I learned, though, and so I miss it extremely less often.

Re-read what CC said. If you still think he's pompous, I'm going to tell you right now that you aren't ready to work with others. Not in a creative capacity. Why? Because you aren't yet ready to take criticism. And if you can't take it from those who are trying to help you, you damned sure won't be able to take it from those who ostensibly would be reading the finished work.

Now, if you call me pompous with this message, that's fine, because I am. However, this is still me being polite. Some of the regulars who go way back know how I used to be. I'd swoop in, drop the Hammer of Truth, grin, and enjoy the weeping. I've reformed somewhat. I no longer grin and enjoy the weeping. I still use the Hammer of Truth, but I no longer wield it with impunity.

You want feedback on this? Submit it to The Proving Grounds over at ComixTribe. Follow the rules (http://www.comixtribe.com/columns/the-proving-grounds/submit/), and you should be fine. However, I suggest you read a few entries first (http://www.comixtribe.com/category/the-proving-grounds/), to see what you could be signing up for. I don't call it The Proving Grounds for nothing.

Hope to see you there.

07-23-2013, 03:34 PM
I'm not butt hurt about his comments.

I just think that inferring someone gets their cues from facebook after one post is a little pompous.

And I know your pompous Steve, i've read your posts :p. But I kinda enjoy your snark!

Thanks again gentleman, like I said next time I'll make sure I edit a little more before I post.

And I will totally check out the Proving grounds (and take the stick out of my ass before I do) thanks again!

07-26-2013, 11:14 AM
LOL! Leave it to writers to get stuck on the comma. And way to not be condescending and constructive (Not everyone of course, but I'm not pointing out any names). Grammar is important and if you know your weak in it take steps to make sure it's done correctly before submission.

While there is no standard format for a script I'd make sure to check the desired format for which ever publisher you're going to submit it to. Most have specific styles they want, like Dark Horse. If your not submitting it then don't worry.

I'm not a fan of the generic labels for characters. Now if these poor schmucks are not destined to continue through the story then it's fine. Again it's a personal preference and I think it adds a little personality to it.

The flow of the story was very good. It drew me in and I wanted to keep reading. I think this has great possibility but because it's only part of a bigger story it kind of made more questions than answered, which is not bad. All in all I say keep it up and keep writing.

And I want to congratulate you for not being afraid to post some of your script. Most writers (or so called writers in name only) refuse to post anything anywhere. And don't take the criticism of the masses to seriously. As is an online tradition folk will bash apart something just to have something to say, even if it's not very constructive or informed.


07-26-2013, 01:53 PM
Thank you!

I'm not too thrilled with the script. Its intended purposes were to set up for a much larger story. So your comments make me feel as if I am on the right path at least!

I appreciate the feedback and I definitely need to work on my grammar/punctuation as well. It's been awhile since I've been in school and wasn't very good at it to begin with. But I love to be creative!

Thanks again!

07-26-2013, 03:05 PM
This is my first attempt at critiquing a script, so take it with a grain of salt.

Commas aside, the biggest issue I see is lack of research. You don't tell us what nationality the soldiers are (I assumed they were Americans, but there were no US troops in Iraq in 1990), what their ranks are (except for the corporal towards the end), what you mean by "Army truck" (I'm guessing you mean a HMMWV or, if they're not Americans, local equivalent, but it's ambiguous). Clarify! Your artist needs to know these things.

Other details just seem wrong: the only "green zone" in Iraq I know of is in the middle of Baghdad, not out in the desert. Whether the soldiers are Iraqis or Americans, it seems odd that a lone truck would be cruising through the desert during war time. The soldiers are talking to one another as though they're all equals, but I don't think any military would send a crew of three men of equal rank out together; one's got to be in charge. The dialogue overall is not very military-sounding; a lowly corporal explaining the disappearance of his comrade to a general should not sound like a teenager making excuses to his dad. At the least, throw some "sirs" in there. Said general is also unlikely to take such peremptory orders from a civilian with no more than some under-the-breath muttering; you don't get to be a general by being diffident!

I'm no military expert; you can bet a large portion of your potential audience will be at least as bothered by these details as I am. It seems like minor stuff, but it's enough to throw a reader out of the story. If you're going to include real-world stuff like this in what seems to be a fantastical story, you have to get it right- otherwise the reader isn't going to accept the crazy stuff you throw at him later.

My suggestions: either dig in, do your research, and get it right, or drop it. You wouldn't even have to change the story, just what you choose to show. For example, you could open up with the agent directing his people, with a caption to the effect of "The agency has spent millions of dollars, expended thousands of man-hours, and deployed the most sophisticated equipment available to find the Gate- and some dumb grunt stumbles onto it accidentally. It figures." Then cut to Soldier #1 in the cavern. Just a thought.

I hope that helps!

07-26-2013, 03:44 PM
Thank you newt!

Obviously I know jack shit about the military - definitely need to do some more research as what you pointed out brings up some big story flaws!

And thank you for the note about description for the artist. I've never written for an artist before - do artists want you to be as specific as possible? Obviously in this case I should describe the type of truck, but in other instances. Is it best to be descriptive as possible or did you want to give your artists some more room to do their thing?

Thanks again!

07-26-2013, 04:09 PM
That's going to depend on the relationship between you and your artist. Some writers are very visually-minded and designate shots, angles, light direction, and so on, while others give the artist most of the responsibility for visual aspects. However, anything that's important to the story is your responsibility; for example, if on page 15 you have Soldier #1 using his M16, the artist needs to know ahead of time so he can draw him with it way back on page 1.

07-26-2013, 04:24 PM
Thank you Newt and others.

All these little details really help me clarify the process and whats expected!

07-26-2013, 04:46 PM
Those are good points Newt. To back up a little waht Newt said I automatically asumed they were American. Lets say for sake of argument that's not what you intended. That would show how the lack of the description lead the reader to asume a certin point of view.

Try and look at it like this. You have to paint a picture with your words so that the artist can bring the picture to life. It can be hard because you want to be descriptive but at the same time not constraining to your artist. All in all if your just getting started with writing comic sripts you ahve a very solid core technique. See if you can get your hands on any of the Panel One series of books. They are great for giving you insight to how some of the other writers do it.

Steven Forbes
07-26-2013, 05:42 PM
You could also read my Bolts & Nuts columns. The first twelve tackles just about everything you need to know about creating comics, breaking it down in a way that most books don't. They can be found at ComixTribe, as well.

07-26-2013, 05:56 PM
Thank you Steve.

I'm going to tidy it up a bit before I post it to your Proving Grounds.

Don't need a new asshole yet :)!

Steven Forbes
07-27-2013, 04:30 PM
No one needs a new asshole... Well, very few need new assholes. It really depends on whether or not the first one stopped working.