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triplegriffin
03-20-2013, 10:57 AM
I would like to get some feedback on the script i'm writing thanks!

Panel 1

Crew chief sitting in his office with a look of concern on his face. His office is full of computers and file cabinet and very well kept. On his wall there is a flag of china.

Panel 2.

we can see the office from the outside and we see work crews with hard hats, with huge earth moving equipment moving around. We can see the silhouette of the crew chief looking though the window at the movement.

Panel 3 (a larger panel we can put it in the middle of the page with panels one and two on the top and panel 4,5, 6 at the bottom.)

A larger view of some of the work camp its a crew that’s building a huge oil pipe line the sun is going down. But the camp is still busy with machines and men working.

Panel 4

The Crew chief phone rings and he looks down to see a message

Panel 5

With a sigh the Crew chief rubs his temple in more frustration in is face and body expression.

Panel 6

we see the outside of the office as a man drives up to the front door as with a golf cart to pick up the crew chief.




Page 2

Panel 1
The crew chief is now riding in the cart again looking at his phone. We can see the driver in the cart looking very nervous has he tries to pay attention to the road.

Panel 2
Crew chief puts the phone in his pocket and looks up at the driver and notices his body language and asks him “ok whats the emergency?”

Panel 3
Driver looks at the CC(crew Chief) with sweat dripping from his brow and says “ you just have to see it sir”

panel 4
CC decides to drop it and sits back looking at the giant earth moving machines
panel 5 (a larger panel)
the CC looks up through the cart windshield and see a lot of guys standing around the base of the mountain. In the middle of the crowd is a huge drilling machine with a bulldozer to the left of it.


Page 3

Panel 1 (large panel)
this panel shows shows the cc parting the crowd has he walks past the shattered drill.

Panel 2
CC walks up to his site supervisor. An older rough looking man starting to talk to him as he making a gester to the problem behind them.

Panel 3
The supervisor is talking to the CC as he takes off his hardhat looking at what the super is pointing to with disbelief on his face. with the broken drill behind them .

Panel 4
for the first time the CC looks at the crowd of men and he can see the look of fear on their faces they are all looking to him to know what to do next.

Panel 5
He looks at his supervisor again the man is still looking sturn but shrugs his shoulders because he don't knows what to say. He tells him hes never seen anything like it.
Page 4

Panel 1 (a large panel)
shows the large totem looking stone with strange markings that is actually glowing with a green hue.. Its darker now and the lights of the camp is now on. The stone panel looks almost metal and very smooth.

Panel 2 (from a young mans view looking down from the bulldozer looking board)
he watches CC walks towards it.

Panel 3
he walks up to the large totem that is the height of a 3 story building but as thick as a telephone pole.

Panel 4
He looks back and noticed that the crowd of men including the supervisor had taken a couple of steps back.

Panel 5

the CC rolls his eyes and looks back at the totem and thinking of what it could be.

Panel 6

He reaches out and rubs the totem


Page 5


Panel 1

The CC takes his hand back in surprise and looks down at his scorched hand.

Panel 2

The CC looks up from his burned hand the totem is making some high pitched sound and its symbols are now glowing an angry green.

Panel 3 (Large panel)

The totem fires off a blast that vaporizes all the men we can see the men being torn apart in the flash being torn apart by the energies.


Panel 4 (large panel)

destroys the drill and everything within a arc of around 50 feet. The bulldozer with was sitting further back from the drill has what looks like a the front half was cut off by some force.


Page 6
Panel 1

shows a close up of the young bulldozer operator with a look of horror and not understanding

panel 2 (large panel)

He looks down and sees that all of the front of the bulldozer is gone and just inches away from where his hands was holding the controls.

Panel 2

he looks up and noticed that there was nothing of his co workers but ash that was now floating in the wind all around him

Panel 3 (large panel)

He jumps down and runs off into the distance away from the destruction.

Panel 4 (large panel)

We see the totem as the strange lights dim.

Evan Henry
03-21-2013, 02:18 AM
Hmm. This is problematic in quite a few ways. The first thing that stands out is that it's not very well written. Leaving aside the pacing and format, there are at least five grammatical errors in the first panel description, and that's a bad thing. It's perfectly acceptable to let your grammar slip here and there in private correspondence, but for a professional piece of writing that (I'm assuming) you would like to have published one day, it is very, very bad.

My standard advice to people with these problems (and there are many others, so don't feel picked upon) is to read Strunk and White a few times until you've got the basics down. If you're not a native English speaker, consider writing in your own language and having the script translated, if need be, in order to work with a creative team.

As is, though, this would be rejected by every sensible editor in the business. I'm sure you have a great story to be told, but it is, unfortunately, not being done justice by this script. Commas exist for clarity, and clarity is the most important thing in writing.

Hence, learn to use commas.

Moving on to the storytelling side of things, you have no dialogue here. For a six-page piece, that's a little bit weird. You also have multiple actions taking place in single panels, which is usually impossible for the penciler to realise. As a random example, panel three of the last page has the character jumping down and running away in the same panel. This is a habit that most beginner writers have, and it's hard to break; I've never had the problem myself, but I have to imagine that it would benefit you to try to distinctly picture every panel on the page as a single frame. When writing comics, you have to forget for a moment that motion exists, and do your best to convey the information in a single static image.

Keep trying. You'll get there.

Steven Forbes
03-21-2013, 03:35 AM
Hi!

Yeah, like Supermonkey said, there are a lot of problems here.

Check out my site. Read and absorb the first 13 or so Bolts & Nuts (http://www.comixtribe.com/category/bolts-nuts/page/8/)columns. Hopefully, that will help. The link will take you to a page with the first three, but there are over 100 more after that.

Hope it helps.

-Steven

Comics Commando
03-31-2013, 05:52 AM
Well said, SM and SF.

The writer's number one priority is clarity. Period. If you can't master that, you're not a writer--you're just a person with a keyboard--and don't we all have keyboards? My 11-year-old daughter has a keyboard.

And part of clarity is punctuation, grammar, and good vocabulary. When writing, have a browser open to dictionary.com--their thesaurus. USE IT!

And be sure to break this habit of asking the artist to draw two [or more] actions in the same panel. Comics panels are still pictures, for the most part. Train yourself to write in still pictures. Comics aren't movies--no matter how many people want to think they are--they're not.


Kurt Hathaway
khathawayart@gmail.com