Dialogue practice. Nice and natural of Cheesy and forced? You decide.

[Barri "Clubber" La]

I just had my dialogue slammed on another forum by someone who... to be honest knows what he's talking about. So here's something I've written as a bit of "practice". Caution, this threat has some swearing in it.

It's for a story I'm working on and I'm trying to make sure I keep it as natural as possible.

Basically the story so far is that some SAS troops working to stop an "infection" spreading through the UK population and destroying 1st the UK, then the world ("DUM DUM DUM"). They've capture someone they suspect to be infected and have brought him in for blood tests.

Issue 6 (the troops are waiting for the blood tests to come back playing cards)

Palmer
Alright smart arse! What about you…. Hairiest, messiest and scariest moment of your life?

Bod
Hmm… your mum, your mum aaaaaand your mum.

Palmer
Yeah, yeah; we all love mum jokes, but come on; nothin’ wrong with being scared… real men get scared… real men keep goin knowing they’re scared.

Selwood
Very profound Palmer

Palmer
I’m a deep thinker me (he says smiling)

Morrell
What about you then Palmer? How’s about you go first?

Palmer
Mine? Easy!. Me an the Lieutenant were picked up by the Iraqi Royal Guard about 3 clicks from Bagdad. (This will be captions over a flash back)They're not stupid, they knew why we were there, high powered rifle, ghillie suits... were on a hit. For 2 months they kicked the shit out of us, filmed it too, wanted us to confess, not just our mission details but loads of other shit we had nothing to do with. But I tell you; it wasn’t that Iraqi prick and his fuckin’ fists and feet that scared me... I kept thinkin’... what if Amanda thinks I’m dead. What if she meets another man... what if I get back and my kids have another dad. When the lieutenant nutted that guard (we've covered this daring escape in issue 3) all I could think of was gettin’ home.

Some of the men are smiling. One is laughing

Palmer
Fuck you!

Bod
Ok, seeing as you were so... open with us, I’ll give you mine. Nothing as profound as yours you realise. But this one time in the Falklands me and Moz were in this fox ‘ole. Closer than any too blokes should be.

Moz
You said it was the best night of your life.

All laugh


Bod
Yeah, yeah; whatever... (the caption accompany another flash back) anyway this mortar fire’s fucking closing in on us. We’re pinned down by these 2 arse ‘oles with MGs so we can’t even stick our ‘eads up to get a fix on the mortar position. So they’re closing in boom; Boom, BOOM an then nothing. No MG fire, no mortars…nothing. We climb out expecting to be shot down there and then and still nothing.

Pez
What happened?

Bod
The mortar round didn’t clear the tube... blew them all to smithereens

Pez
Shit.

Morrell
Tell me about it. That’s gotta be my scariest moment too... Act of God saved us, never felt so helpless.

Pez
I think what we’re doing is Gods work.

Palmer
Oh come on Pez; don’t start this shit again.

Pez
I’m serious. I know you don’t believe me, my scariest moment was a week ago. The "Enemy" (edited to keep the enemy a secret) were runnin', we’d cleared a den and they were headin' for the hills. Then this big one jumps out. I managed to get my rifle up in time to stop him getting his teeth in to me, but I was done for. Then lieutenant Dalgleish appears out of nowhere he stands behind the "enemy" and as calm as you like he put a bullet in its head. It sounds crazy but at that moment I know we had God on our side.

Selwood
What; so the lieutenant is God?

Pez
(He smiles)No; but god was helping him; helping all of us.

Selwood
You hear that sir; you’re a weapon of God

Dalgleish
Really? I thought I was the government’s weapon.

Pez
Joke all you want you fucking ingrates; I know were on a righteous path

Moz
OOOkayyy. Moving swiftly along, what about you sir, scariest moment?

Bod
Don’t be stupid the lieutenant doesn’t get scared.

Dalgleish
Not true! I’ve gotta go with Palmer on this one. Trapped in a prison in Bagdad was scary

Palmer (looking smug)
See, told you!

Dalgleish
Yeah, sitting there thinking, "is this it? Am I gonna spend the rest of my days listening to Palmer bitch and moan about his wife’s imaginary lover and his kids imaginary step dad" (He smiles at Palmer)

Palmer
Cheeky fucker!

A lab tech stands in the open rec room door.

Tech
Blood tests are confirmed. He has the virus.

[Comix Obsession]

Dialogue is a little stale - but it depends on what you're going for. Dialogue is hard to write when most of us are basing dialogue for characters from what we know in books and on film. I don't know anyone in the SAS, so I don't know how someone like that would talk, but they are still human, so I'm sure they talk just like any of us.

Bad line that stands out is...

Moz
OOOkayyy. Moving swiftly along,

Completely out of character. I can't imagine any of them talking like this.

That and the final line with the lab tech - give it some suspense! I can imagine him/her uttering that final line in monotone. You need to build on it.

As for the foundations - I don't see anything wrong with it.

[Barri "Clubber" La]

Ok, cool.

I was trying to recreate "banter" and give each person a bit of individuality, Palmer drops his Gs every now and again. nothin, goin

Bod drops his H's... And so on.

The SAS (like anyother military unit) is made up of men & women from around the country, I wanted to try and get a bit of that veriety in there.

and when you say "but they are still human, so I'm sure they talk just like any of us." I'm assumin you mean it's not quite natural. I'll keep working on it and post the result here.

Cheers

[Crestmere]

I think it is harder for me to judge since I don't know how the British dialect flows.

Like the best I can do is try and picture some British actors saying it. It sounds good when I do that but there might be a lot of things I would totally miss that a real Brit would pick up on and call you out for.

[neverserious]

I like the character speak here. I really felt Like I was listening to a bunch of guys talk, just shooting the shit. As for adding to the suspense of that last line with the tech. I think you can do that visually. Just show the tech enter, everyone will get quiet and then the tech will speak, uttering the most dreadful of news "the blood work is in. He has the virus, and as of right now, herpes has no cure." Or whatever the virus is. Do it visually, and let that set the mood. I really dig the dialog though I really feel like they are all close with each other, and the scariest moment conversation really sets us up for the blood results thing. Love to read more but for now I'll just punch my grandmother until you post. So if you don't want her to suffer much you'd do well to make it hasty.

[BJCochran]

Dialogue is a little stale - but it depends on what you're going for. Dialogue is hard to write when most of us are basing dialogue for characters from what we know in books and on film. I don't know anyone in the SAS, so I don't know how someone like that would talk, but they are still human, so I'm sure they talk just like any of us.

Bad line that stands out is...

Moz
OOOkayyy. Moving swiftly along,

Completely out of character. I can't imagine any of them talking like this.

That and the final line with the lab tech - give it some suspense! I can imagine him/her uttering that final line in monotone. You need to build on it.

As for the foundations - I don't see anything wrong with it.

Not saying I'm an expert or anything but it did seem kind of stale at times.

What helps me though is sometimes pretending I'm the characters and having the discussion. I will place myself in their heads and just talk outloud as if I'm in the scene.

I usually record this because when I do this outloud I can pick up my speech patterns and what someone (I hope) would usually say in these scenes.

Hope that works.

[BJCochran]

Just dont do that advice I gave on a subway, plane, resteraunt, or anywhere public...you might be locked away. Especially if you do what I do which is answer yourself as the other character in the scene.

[Magnus]

I'd remove this line:

Bod
Don’t be stupid the lieutenant doesn’t get scared.


It's all too cliché.

[Scribbly]

Is this dialogue for comics or for a screenplay?
For a comic is too wordily and extensive.
Palmer’s response can have 3 comics pages at long.

For a screenplay, it looks good.
Had rhythm in it.
Good job bloke!

The only problem, the Lab tech lines.
It is unlike that he is going to say that in front of such audience
Not knowing the consequences of doing it.

He rather will call the high rank in the group for
telling him in private about the ongoing situation.
This is mere technical procedure.
Maybe the rest of the team will know about these
results by his react, physical or verbal.

[Barri "Clubber" La]

Palmer’s response can have 3 comics pages at long.

AH! that's something I never made clear. It's for a comic... there are a few instances, like Palmers long section (and Pez's Gods work and Moz 'n' Bod's Mortar story) would all have flashback pages dedicated to them so we see the story as well as hear it. I plan to have some issues break from the format and show them in different combat situations (not massively different but just to get off the daily slog of "hunting the enemy") try and work a bit more character development out of it if I can :)

I'd remove this line:

Bod
Don’t be stupid the lieutenant doesn’t get scared.


It's all too cliché.

You're right man, it's getting them to see him in this uber man light. I'll keep trying.

richcapo - Hey man, cheers for the input. Luckily I have a group of really close friends that I "shoot the shit" with a LOT, we have quite a bit a banter and if someone says something stupid or a bit fruity, then they'll get called up on that and get some stick. I was trying to re-create a kinda "bond of brotherhood I have with them, we've know each other most of our lives (and getting near 30 now as I am that's a long time to get to know someone) nothings taboo and nothings off limits (emotions or mothers)

Your advice is great (and I'll be looking Law and Order, Freaks and Geeks, Broadway Danny Rose, Kids. The others you mention I know well... for the most part :)) what didn't come accross to well was where the relevance was to my piece, you sighted no examples of where I missed the trick with it and where my short falls were. Did you read the dialogue? if not have a look and let me know where you think the major (and or minor ;)) problems are. If you did then again I'd like to know what you thought.

Everyone else cheers for the input. It's a great forum and you never disappoint :)