Welcome To Lodestone -- C&c

[Uziel]

Hey all... another script segment for you guys to rip to shreds. I won't say anything about it now, because I want crits of just these first eight pages, but I know it's not entirely clear where it's going. I'd just like to know whether this intro sucks you in. Once I get some crits I'll explain what direction the story will take.

Please be honest and brutal, as usual. I love and appreciate you all.


PAGE 1

1) Close-up of a fairly impressive-looking amateur telescope. It's nighttime, and the telescope is sitting in the back yard of a small rural cabin. The viewfinder should be centered in the frame.

2) Same shot, but now THEODORE UNION (a grizzly, Civil War-bearded man who looks an awful lot like the Unabomber) is peering intently into the viewer, screwing up his face with the other eye closed.

3) Same shot, but now he's staring into the telescope transfixed with shock and fear.

4) He's looked up, and turned his fearful expression skyward.

5) THEODORE is walking through the swinging screen door of his rustic cabin. He seems to be hurrying, taking a long stride.

6) Same shot, but THEODORE is no longer visible inside the cabin. Just stillness in back of the cabin.

7) THEODORE is stepping back out into the yard, glowering at the sky. He now carries a heavy machine gun, and has a bandolier of ammo slung across his chest. The bandolier has several grenades clipped to it. He also has a handgun holstered to his waste. He's calling back into the house with his eyes still on the sky.

THEODORE: Vanzetti! Get out here!

THEODORE (linked): Daddy needs your help.

PAGE 2

1) A shabby Oldsmobile sedan from the 80s -- one of the big, boxy ones -- is driving up a narrow mountain road, its bright headlights carving through the darkness.

FROM THE CAR: Jesus, Murph, I been driving up the side of this mountain for an hour now...

2) Inside the car VICTOR LANSKY, a middle-aged, balding salesman from Nebraska, talks on a cell-phone. The hand that's on the wheel holds a burning cigarette. VICTOR looks annoyed.

VICTOR: You even sure there's a town up here?

3) VICTOR now has the phone trapped between his head and shoulder while he steers with the other hand and puts the cigarette to his mouth, not yet dragging.

VICTOR: OK, sure, but what makes you think they're gonna want makeup? Looks like Deliverance territory back here.

4) Shot of the front wheel of the car turning near the low, rusted guardrail of the serpentine road, kicking up some loose gravel. Beyond the guardrail we can see that there's a sheer drop that goes down into the darkness.

VICTOR (OP): Yeah, yeah. Just feels like I'm driving into a damned horror movie. Why would anybody live here?

5) Shot of the night sky as seen through the windshield. Full, bright moon, the sky deep and thick with stars.

VICTOR (OP): I'm just saying if my commissions --

6) A beat-up, rusting road sign reads: WELCOME TO LODESTONE, POPULATION: 102.

VICTOR (OP): Ah, here we go. "Welcome to Lodestone. Population..." Are you serious?

PAGE 3 - Splash page

1) A wide shot of Iron Mountain. A single road winds its way up the barren cliffs, leading towards a small bank of houses on the side of the mountain near the top. The Oldsmobile is nearing the town.

VICTOR (in car): You can just go to hell, Murph. I'm gettin' my leads elsewhere from now on.

VICTOR (linked): Hello?

VICTOR (linked): You there?

CREDITS:
WELCOME TO LODESTONE
by Josh O'Neill


PAGE 4 - All four panels are the same camera angle, dead on the front porch with the door framed on the edge of the shot.

1) The front porch of a big, rambling old three-story house. The living room is lit up in the window, decorated with a sort of tasteful rustic luxury. On a rocking chair sits ADMIRAL FITZPATRICK, a generous tumbler of scotch resting in one hand. He is heavy-set, thick-shouldered, loose-faced and mustachioed -- a lion in winter. His sits there, staring out into nothing, looking stoic and cold. The front door of the house should be framed in the shot.

2) The camera hasn't moved. The ADMIRAL's son, MARCUS JR., is standing in front of the door, which is open behind him. He's just come out from inside the house. MARCUS is short, rail-thin and pale, wearing all black and an earring. He looks like one of those cool/nerdy quasi-goth theater geek kids. He looks frustrated, yet insistent and solicitous, as though he's containing his anger to try to communicate with his father.

MARCUS: Look, I know it doesn't mean anything to you, but this is actually kind of a big deal.

MARCUS: Steppenwolf is THE cutting edge theatre company. They get hundreds of applications and only hire nine interns.

3) Same shot. MARCUS is walking up behind his father, looking at him with a combination of pleading and insistence. The ADMIRAL's expression hasn't changed from the first panel.

MARCUS: It's just for a year. And then it'll look great on my college applications!

MARCUS: Please, Dad. This is what I want. I know it's in Chicago, but...

4) The same shot. MARCUS is beginning to grit his teeth slightly with frustration and anger. The ADMIRAL is speaking, retaining the same stoical expression.

ADMIRAL: Son...

ADMIRAL (linked): It's what you want. It isn't what you need.

ADMIRAL (linked): Next year you're going to the University of Montana. It's a good school. You'll like it there. And that's that.

ADMIRAL (linked): Now go inside and let me drink my scotch in peace.

PAGE 5

1) Small panel. Close on MARCUS, gritting his teeth with speechless rage and frustration. His lips are quivering. He wants to speak but can't.

2) Small panel. Same shot.

3) MARCUS explodes, spit flying out of his mouth as he yells at his father. For the rest of the page, the panels should be more trapezoidal than horizontal to indicate the increased emotion and speedy escalation of the moment.

MARCUS: You always do that! You just say how it's gonna be and shut down! Then you shoo me away like I'm a fly buzzing around your head!

4) MARCUS is advancing on his father, pointing an accusatory finger at him. The ADMIRAL is vexedly shutting his eyes and sucking in his lower lip as he inhales sharply.

MARCUS: I'm not a little kid anymore! I will not be sent to my room! This is MY LIFE!

5) The ADMIRAL, a black hole of barely-contained fatherly rage masked by a stoic exterior, speaks to MARCUS through gritted teeth. MARCUS still has his finger pointed in anger, and is now next to his father's rocking chair.

ADMIRAL: You're gonna want to watch who you're pointing that finger at.

MARCUS: We are going to TALK!!!

PAGE 6 - All four panels are the same unchanging dead-on camera angle of the porch from page 4.

1) The ADMIRAL has now stood up, dwarfing MARCUS somewhat. They stand chest to chest in that primal father-son alpha-male challenge. The way they're drawn, it shouldn't be entirely clear who would win the fight. The ADMIRAL is clearly bigger and stronger, but he also looks old and heavy and slow. Really tense moment here, obviously. MARCUS looks very enraged and a little scared. The ADMIRAL looks sad and calmly dominant, ready to put his son down if he has to.

ADMIRAL: No we're not, son.

ADMIRAL (linked): We're going to walk away, or we're going to do something else entirely.

2) The same shot. MARCUS grits his teeth and glares into his father's eyes.

3) Same shot.

4) Both have turned their faces outward and upward, towards the sky. Their rage is replaced by confusion and interest.

ADMIRAL: ...

ADMIRAL (linked): What the hell is that?


PAGE 7

1) The interior of Harry's Tavern, a shabby, crowded pub. A pair of elk antlers hang on a back wall. Regulars -- mostly men -- are lined up along the bar, and some groups sit at tables in the back. In the corner a jukebox is humming away. At the end of the bar, JOE WEST sits hunkering over his beer. WEST is tall, rangy, raw-boned -- a bulkier Marlboro Man. RONNIE CROW, a handsome 17-year-old Indian, leans on the bar holding up a couple of bills between his fingers, trying to looks casual as he talks to the BARTENDER.

RONNIE: Sixer of Bud, please.

BARTENDER: You got it.

2) JOE WEST grins knowingly at RONNIE while the bartender walks away to go get the six pack.

WEST: Your coach is gonna be real interested in this.

3) RONNIE tries to look casual, but knows he's been caught.

RONNIE: Beg pardon?

WEST: Big star out to get hammered on a Saturday night. Now is that what's best for the team?

4) RONNIE waves his hand as if to brush away WEST's concerns.

RONNIE: Come on, man. It's me and three of my friends. That's, like, a beer and a half a piece.

5) The bartender has returned is placing the beer on the bar in front of RONNIE.

BARTENDER: That'll be five bucks.

WEST: Willie, what are you doing serving this kid? You know this is Ronnie Crow.

BARTENDER: You're damn right I do. You see that game he ran last week? Anybody who can break tackles like that is man enough for a beer.

WEST: Well, I guess you're r--

6) The bar is suddenly dark. We can just barely make out the silhouettes of the characters. RONNIE is grabbing the six pack and moving for the door, while the other characters look around in confusion.

BARTENDER: ...the hell...?

RONNIE (small text): thanksseeyaMisterWest

PAGE 8

1) Wide strip across the top fifth of the page. The exterior of the bar. A faded sign reads HARRY'S TAVERN. The lights are still off inside. RONNIE is hurrying out while WEST is following him, reaching out for his shoulder with a big meaty hand.

WEST: Slow down, bub, I was talkin t--

2) Huge panel, 4/5 of the page. Two more patrons of the bar have come outside and they, along with RONNIE and WEST, have turned their faces to the sky with a look of surprise and awe.

WEST: Jesus, Mary and Joseph...

BYSTANDER: Ain't we a little far south for the Northern Lights?

[ampersand]

These first eight pages offer nothing I haven't seen before. What makes your story unique? Open with that.

[Uziel]

I have what I think is a very clever premise, but it doesn't get revealed until the end of the issue. What I was hoping to go for was a slow burn, where we get to know our characters in their normal lives before thrusting them into this strange situation. After I get a couple more responses I'll explain the twist, but I do want to hear from people whether this opening works. So far it seems it doesn't. I was hoping some believable dialogue and characterization would carry it before the actions starts, but I may have a long way to go in terms of making that happen. Thanks for your input Ampersand.

[Steven Forbes]

Okay, I first tried making this post on my phone, but then my thumb started to hurt, so I said forget it. He’ll just have to wait.

Now, like Ampersand said, there’s nothing new here. There’s actually a few things wrong here. They’re easily rectifiable since this is only eight pages, but some of them can be fixed right on the outset.

Let’s take P1 first.

P1: Except for starting to set up your mystery, this is a waste of space. Your shots aren’t dramatic enough for what you want. You very first panel is a close-up of a telescope. For what? What’s the harm in just going straight to panel 2? None, except you want to waste real estate with that opening panel. Unless the telescope has special meaning to the story, it’s a waste of space.

Also, your setup here is unrealistic. Even if you want to start out with the telescope, the way you describe it, we’re able to see the entire telescope there in the backyard, with no one watching through it. Then panel 2 shows Theo, seemingly out of the blue. No good.

Then you have some things going on (along with another waste of space) when he goes into the house. The way you describe it, with the long stride and the empty panel beat, it’ll look like a comedy. That’s not what you’re going for, but that’s how that page in itself will read.

That empty panel beat is unnecessary. It doesn’t do anything to push the story forward, and it could be better served by staying on Theo. Either that, or excising it completely.

Now, we have Theo going into the house to get ready for battle, and then he goes back outside. He then yells back INTO the house in order to get someone’s attention? This doesn’t make any sense to me. Even if it’s a dog who’s attention he’s getting, why not do it while still in the house? (And how often are dogs not with their masters?) This isn’t realistic, and threw me completely out of the story right then. And it’s only P1.

So yes, it gets worse from there.

P2: This is a waste in that it does nothing else than set up the ineffective splash page on P3. You have Vic talking on a cell phone. You also have things that can’t effectively be shown, but we’ll get to that later. This page does nothing.

That’s not true. These three pages (P1-3) are what I call “fast cuts”- scenes that you get into and out of too fast. Actually, so far, all of these are fast cuts, now that I think about it. You give yourself the illusion of them being longer because you’re writing them, but two pages before switching to another location does not a real scene make. Yes, I’m speaking in generalities.

In eight pages, you changed the scene four times. IMO, that’s not good. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Like I said, P2 doesn’t do anything besides set up P3.

P3: An ineffective splash page. What does this splash page do, really? It shows the car going up the mountain, and a town in the distance. It will probably also hold the story credits. Where does this push the story forward? You have the minor thing about the cell phone losing the signal, but that’s really nothing new or intriguing. There are places where you just don’t expect to get a good signal, and going up to a small mountain town is one of those places. So, like I said, ineffective.

A splash page should be powerful and dramatic. This is neither. This could have been better served as a single panel.

For everything that’s happened in these three pages, you could have spent maybe a page on it. (Richcapo was probably looking for something to hurt himself with as he read it.)

P4: This is a classic example of overwriting and not knowing what works from a dramatic standpoint.

First, you have the same camera angle on this page. This is boring, and I’ll tell you why. So far, you’re on P4, and have got a bare hint of a mystery that was set up on P1. Other than that, you’ve got a lot of talking heads. Now, you’re coupling talking heads with a static camera angle. A static camera angle of a guy sitting in a chair, drinking. An overwritten, static camera angle of a guy sitting in a chair, drinking.

Your problem is that you’re calling the camera angles instead of letting your artist direct the camera. While that can be good if you have something specific in mind, it usually turns out badly for us non-artist types. This is turning out badly, and it wouldn’t surprise me if, when given to an artist, they ask for leeway to interpret as they see fit when it comes to camera angles and panel beats. If you’re going to give them that freedom, why put it in the script?

Is any of this making sense?

I know I haven’t gotten to the overwriting part yet. It’s coming. Patience. J

P5: Do I really have to go over this? Now you’re not only calling the camera angles, but also the shapes of the panels. I understand what you’re trying to do, I get the effect you’re going after, but think about this: with these panels shaped so dramatically different than the rest so far, they’re going to stick out like a sore thumb. Instead of conveying what you want, they’re going to knock the reader out of the story.

And again, it’s overwritten.

P6: We finally get something that’s more than two pages, but at the same time, it doesn’t really tell us much. It’s basically something that you just dropped the reader in, and while it’s marginally better in reading the script, most of what you’ve written isn’t going to come across. We’ll get to that in a little bit. Anyway, as a reader, we just see a father and son argument: father being overbearing, son being whiny emo-kid. I’m almost expecting the “Bad Peter Parker” walk and finger pointing. Well, I got half of it.

P7: More character setup. You said you were going for a slow burn, and so far, you’re accomplishing your goal. Teenage football hero getting beer from a bar. And?

The only thing you’ve really managed to accomplish in these two pages (I’m not going over P8) is finally establishing a couple of characters names. My only question is what took you so long?

This is the first time anywhere in the script that you’ve placed someone’s name where a reader knows who we’re talking about.

So, speaking about names and taking it from the top, we have Beard Man on P1, Smoking Guy on P2&3, A-hole Daddy and Hayden Christenson on P4-6, and Barfly with Ronnie Crow on P7&8. That’s how the readers are going to identify them. You have tools that are staples of comics that can be used to alleviate this problem. I suggest you investigate them.

Now, to the overwriting.

I understand that you’re trying to get some atmosphere across to your artist, and while that’s great, it’s coming across as directions they won’t be able to follow. Let’s look at P6, panel 1 as a perfect example.

Panel 1: The ADMIRAL has now stood up, dwarfing MARCUS somewhat. They stand chest to chest in that primal father-son alpha-male challenge. The way they’re drawn, it shouldn’t be entirely clear who would win the fight. The ADMIRAL is clearly bigger and stronger, but he also looks old and heavy and slow. Really tense moment here, obviously. MARCUS looks very enraged and a little scared. The ADMIRAL looks sad and calmly dominant, ready to put his son down if he has to.

Can the class tell me what’s wrong with this panel description?

1) It goes against you initial character descriptions on P4. The father’s a bear, the son’s a kitten. Kodiak versus tomcat. Is there any doubt as to who would win that fight?
2) How can you dwarf someone “somewhat”? Is that like being a little bit pregnant?
3) How is Marcus going to look enraged and scared? Most actors can’t pull this off, and you’re asking someone to draw it?
4) Like I said before, I understand you want to give atmosphere, but why all the words? This is what I mean by being over-written, and you’ve done it throughout the entire script. Your entire script would be better off if your panel descriptions looked something like this:

Panel 1: Father and son are now standing chest to chest, squared off against each other. Marcus looks enraged, and the Admiral is calm in the face of it.

See what I did? I cut seven sentences down to two, and kept the entire thrust of what you were going for, and stayed true to your previous characterization, without the superfluous words that plague this script. I could do this to ¾ of this script, keeping all the atmosphere, and the artist would still know what’s going on.

And all of that are just the technical problems.

From a storytelling aspect, you haven’t given enough to let a reader get involved yet. You haven’t got a scene that’s more than three pages as yet, and everyone looking up into the sky at the end of the scene. Eight pages, four scenes, characters looking up in almost all of them. Where’s the novelty in that? The first time, sure, and semi-effectively done. The second time, okay. The third time, and I’d say the well has run dry.

Suffice it to say that you haven’t given any story to speak of. Tapestry snippets, sure, but nothing anywhere near resembling a story.

My suggestion? Plot it out as an outline first. Give the scenes some weight. I’d say about four or five pages each at the very least. (Make sure they’re interesting!) Don’t introduce a city busload of characters. Take the most interesting parts of the story, expand them with the characters, and tell THAT. As an untested writer, you have at most three pages to hook a reader. (Most people will tell you one, but readers will at least flip through a few pages to see if something grabs them.) You’re eight pages in, and haven’t grabbed me yet. I’ve just spent four pages telling you exactly how many ways you haven’t grabbed me. (See what happens when you work at night and have time on your hands?)

The good news is that the dialogue was generally believable. Generally. Not P1, but everything after that I could see happening from a dialogue standpoint. Good job there. I’d break up some of the dialogue in places, but that’s what an editor is for.

Okay, I’m done. I still have an hour and a half before I go home. What am I going to do with myself?!

-Steven

[Uziel]

Wow. Thanks for the extremely thorough response, Steven. I'm sorry you didn't enjoy the story more, but I think that the vast majority of your critiques are right on the money. This is really helpful stuff, even if it's a little discouraging to hear how bad you think it is. I'm really struggling with how much info to put in panel descriptions -- my last script got critiqued for being too sparse, so I may have overcompensated here.

So, let me explain the premise so you get a stronger sense of what I'm going for. The sky fills with strange, moving lights, and all the power in the town goes out. The sheriff drives down the mountain to try and contact the nearest town, only to find that the only road has been destroyed. Then the aliens land. After a skirmish with the sheriff's men, the aliens explain their mission: When mankind set off the first nukes during WWII, it attracted the attention of the intergalactic community, who are uneasy with such a warlike race becoming so technologically advanced. There's a fear that humans may eventually destroy the universe. So they've sent a group to isolate this small town (Lodestone), and observe the humans there under controlled conditions and report back to their governments as to whether the human race needs to be wiped out for the good of the world.

So I wanted to tell a big, overarching story about the town itself, how they struggle to forgive their invaders and get along with one another under the eyes of these judging authority figures. The reason the story is so schizophrenic is that I'm trying to introduce all of the characters who will eventually play big roles in the story. Thematically, the story is about parents and children. The parents of the town will agree to cooperate with the aliens, while the kids (and Theo Union) will start a secret counter-insurgency to try to drive the aliens out. My skills as a writer may not be up to a story this size, but that's what I'm aiming at, and I think it's potentially a very cool idea.

But it seems like it's back to the drawing board as to how to make it work. Do you have any suggestions as to how I might tell the story more effectively, now that you know where I'm going? I just wanted to give some sense of the day-to-day lives of these characters before the crazy drama starts.

Again, thanks so much for your thoughtful critique. It's exactly what I was looking for. Do you think it would be better to start with the aliens landing? I considered that, but felt like it we didn't meet the characters first we wouldn't care what was happening to them. Let me know what you think, if you have time.

DW is really an invaluable resource. Thanks once more.

[Steven Forbes]

Now that I'm awake again (and going on vacation starting tomorrow morning!), I guess it's time to answer the questions put to me.

But first, some observations of my own.

I'm going to assume, Uziel, that you're in your early to mid-twenties, and that you haven't read a wide variety of science fiction- notably, things that are older than you. (I miss Omni...)

Your idea isn't new. It's very reminiscent of a few stories I read years ago. I think that lots of writers have had thoughts along these lines for quite some time- others have just made it work better than most.

So, like I said, nothing new here.

But if this is the story you want to tell, I suggest you find out what the story is REALLY about, then work backwards from the end. Like I said before, if you know where you're supposed to end up, then the story will generally suggest itself from there. But you have to know what the story is really about, first. I'm talking themes.

Plot out the entire story. Once you reach the end, see who has the most screen time. Find out what that particular story is about. Then (and only then), rewrite your plot, expanding your main story, and rework the sub-stories around it.

Or, you can do what TJ May does. (I think it's TJ.) Write the beats on index cards, and keep rearranging them until you get something that hits. I suggest doing this with characters as well. Then start working on the story from there.

As for the panel descriptions, you need the basics. Answer Who, Where, What, and When. You answer those, and you'll generally be on the mark. After a while, you'll get the sense of when to put more or when to take stuff out.

Effective storytelling means different things to different people. So does the way they tell a story. You're starting out with a line near the end of The Thing From Another World. "Watch the skies!" I'd start with the town first, making the characters interesting and normal, and end the issue with the lights.

(I'd also add a twist that the aliens are doing this experiment in different places with the fearful approval of a few world governments. American comics are pretty America-centric, but there are reports the world over of lights in the sky. By making it larger in scope, you also give a truer sense that these small towns are really deciding the fate of the human race. Adding the government to it gives it a nice twist, I think. But that's just what I would do. If you like the idea, feel free.)

If you're telling a story about the town, then you should probably start there. Don't forget that the characters need room to breathe. They need interesting stories and pressures before adding the mix of the aliens.

So far, to my mind, the most interesting thing you have going are the Admiral and Hayden Christenson. (I think of him as the man who ruined Vader by turning him into a whiney bitch, but that leads to a digression I don't want to go into.) They also have the most speaking parts. You may have more intteresting characters, but haven't shown them yet. None of what you have here I find interesting, and the only thing that comes close is the Kodiak and Tomcat show.

Methinks I'm starting to ramble, so I'll stop now. Just find out what the story's really about, and work on it from there.

-Steven

[Uziel]

Thanks for your input again -- it's starting to surpass the length of my script! Can you tell me what stories use plots similar to this one? I know that the idea of aliens wiping out humans for the good of the universe is not new, but I thought that the notion of isolating a town and using it as a microcosm of the human condition was pretty fresh. But again, sci-fi is a rich genre, and I've only read what I've read. If I'm rewriting someone else's story I may just abandon the idea entirely.

What confuses me is this -- you say that my story is boring, but then recommend getting rid of the aliens and ending the issue with the lights. If what's here is boring already wouldn't 16 more pages of it be even MORE boring?

And you're right, I'm in my mid-twenties and very new to the world of comic book writing. (Though not so new to the world of storytelling in general.) I appreciate you helping me find and eradicate my rookie mistakes.

[Steven Forbes]

Back at work again, so this will be relatively short.

Right off the top of my head, there's a Twilight Zone (original series) that has aliens or something isolating a town to watch what happens. (It's been a while since I've seen the episode.) I've read a LOT of books and stories, so I don't exactly remember where else I've seen similar. It just may be that some of the elements of your story reminds me of other things.

And when it comes to the way I'd tell the story, with the aliens at the end, I said I'd focus on the characters first, making their interactions and pressures interesting. Make it compelling, then add the aliens, government collusion, rain, carrots, and potatoes over medium heat. Cover. Wait for five issues, and viola.

Like I said, what you'd do and what I'd do are two different things.

However, no matter what you do, get a editor when you're ready to put together your creative team. They'll save your life.

-Steven

[Uziel]

Hm... happen to remember the title of the ep? I'd really like to at least look up a synopsis so I can see HOW similar the idea is. I'm very concerned with coming up with (at least semi-) unique ideas. Also, I've watched tons of the original Twilight Zone, so it's possible I saw it, forgot it, then stole it subconsciously. Sorry to keep picking at this but I'd really like to know.

[Steven Forbes]

I want to say it was either Elm or Maple Street in the title. It was the name of a tree. I want to say Elm. I also believe Andy Griffith was in it.

-Steven

[Uziel]

Ah, yeah, The Monsters Are Due On Maple Street. It's a classic. But the idea, though it revolves around aliens shutting down a neighborhood (with a blackout, now that I think about it), is somewhat different -- they do it in order to create paranoia and watch the humans destroy each other. The idea of a test in which the humans have to convince the aliens that they deserve to exist, is what interests me, and it's something I've never seen before. (Not that it's never been done -- I've just never seen it.)