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TenGuKu
05-28-2008, 04:44 AM
Hi folks, here's the latest from the same project I was woking on for my submission..now I've jumped ahead a few pages to work on an action/combat sequence...and Ive tried using more blacks, please let me know what you guys think, Im always happy to get any tips that might help make the page better. I realize that the last panel seems improbable, especially the second guy getting shot in the chin..but I was having fun with it, and isn't that the true spirit of comics? :slap:
:har:

http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb304/TenGuKu/page10-pencil-small.jpg

http://tenguku.blogspot.com

DanielPicci
05-28-2008, 05:50 AM
hey dude nice page! ive like pretty much all the pages so far..

my thoughts; i like her face in the first panel and think your backgrounds are cool too. i think you could of added more foliage though to show she is hidden a little more. i also think the two guys could use some shadow rendering at their feet to connect them to the bg

panel 2 is a good angle but it doesnt really match with panel 3. panel 3 makes it look like she is on the opposite side to them (not where she is standing). i would of made the bold guy turn to look at the other guy to set up the shot from the back of the head.

i would of put a b/g for panels 3 and 4 as well to give panel 5 (the action) more drama with no b/g.

lastly i would of flipped the last panel boarder the other way to show the movement and also show more of the hero in the previous panel

phew! go that out....haha

nice work overall though and youve def got talent! cant wait to see more

jeffo46
05-28-2008, 06:59 AM
Concerning panel 3,you should've drawn the tree that she was hiding behind,on her right hand side in order to show that she's still hiding while shooting the 2 guys.Also,the guys in the 1st panel should have some shadows underneath them.IMO,panel 4 looks very weak.I think you could've made that panel look a little more exciting with maybe a little background effect,and you need to work on your backgrounds a bit more.You do have,you just need to work at it a little more.

TenGuKu
05-30-2008, 06:57 PM
@ DanielPicci: Thanks for the comments...Sahdows under the guys' feet, check! Panel 2 and 3 are not connected as they may seem, I will add some background elements to help establish their respective locations :)
But Im afraid that I dont agree with the flipping the panel border of the last panel..thanks for pointing it out nonetheless :har:

@ Jeffo46: Umm panel 3 or 4? Im not sure which one youre talking about...as far as the shadows under the dudes' feet..I'll take care of it :) than the background element on panel 4 would only slow the action down, I was actually thinking of putting some focus lines in panel 4 and some speed lines in panel 5.

Thanks again for taking the time to post...All crits are valid and helpful! :)

j giar
05-30-2008, 08:31 PM
Ten- Always like checkin' out your work... Your artwork is nice and clear. Clean.
Without knowing what time of day this takes place I'll give you a few suggestions that might help make this a little stronger...Strictly my 2cents.
Panel 1- Sets up the scene nicely. You've framed in the figures of the intended targets but some solid blacks framing their figures would help.
Panel 2- No real qualms here other than if there's no dialogue or speech balloons placed here..you could use some elements on the floor. It's just a lot of blank space that detracts from your panel.
Panel 3- I think you could have tightened this shot up a bit to avoid all the empty space..again unless there's intended dialogue. Also, if this does take place at night, you could pull in some really sweet match glow effects around the lighting of the cigarette. Just a few suggestions.
Panel 4- This is by far your strongest image. I would suggest placing the tree on the right of the frame of reference. Just to help place the shooter. A possible gun flare effect would help add some impact. (When weapons are fired the barrel flash is usually pretty dramatic.)
Panel 5- In comparison to everything else you've done on this page, this is the weakest panel. And it should be just the opposite. This panel is the payoff for what you've built up to. I love the concept or what you meant to pull off...killing 2 birds with one stone in effect, but just not happy with end results. If I were to judge you by what you did previously in this page..I think you could have come up with a better approach to this last panel. Okay...I know that's a lot more than 2 cents...but I like you work. :D

Mark Bertolini
05-30-2008, 09:09 PM
Wow.

wicked_chicken
05-31-2008, 03:18 PM
Pretty much have to agree with everything that's been said. I really enjoy your style, and am impressed that you didn't much that angles on the SMG :D Very nice!

Ingrid K. V. Hardy
05-31-2008, 06:10 PM
Really like your style of drawing....everything is so nice and clean, and great hands! :thumbs:

RRicardo
06-01-2008, 01:53 PM
More sir...

Great work!

breakwater
06-01-2008, 02:26 PM
just pointing something that didn't get mention.

panel 1 the rendering of your trees bark don't look like tree but rocks or might even be bolder

panel 3 her left arm dont look right (she seems to have her elbow jam into her side uncomftorably trying to steady the shot) and her thumb wouldn't be in that postion holding the gun.

last panel should be the bleed not the shot before cuse that is your payoff shot. also you should show how they got into that postion in order to sell it better, the way you lay it out there's no way she could have shot them in that postion unless she jump or move to a dirrent location in order to get that shot.

TenGuKu
06-04-2008, 07:54 PM
First and foremost, Thank you to everyone for giving such detailed crits..they're very helpful..some things just never cross your mind while drawing (tho they should) and its great to have you guys to keep it real...anyhow, thanks..really

Jgiar: Ok I took most of your pointers to heart..hope it's reflected on the inked page..thank you for taking the time :)

MarkLCBertolini, RRicardo: :laugh: Thanks!

wicked_chicken: Hehehe, the machine gun was a bit of a pain, but Im glad to hear it reads well :happy:

JediPencil: Glad you like it, Im trying new things with the hands...hope they still look good inked :)

Breakwater: Thanks for pointing out the tree thing..I tried fixing it....as far as the elbow..the pose is referenced, and being that the mpk5 is such a short weaopon you do sort of end up jamming your elbow to your side precisely to steady the shot :P I did try to fix the thumb...but thanks..the last panel..I get what you're saying...I chaged it a bit, and Im sure it will cause more jeers than cheers, but the page is done and Im moving on..thank you tho :)

Ok so here it is, inked: the changes are obvious, hope it's better than the penciled version at least..

Lates! :har:

http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb304/TenGuKu/page10-ink-small1.jpg

Wayne Drake
06-04-2008, 07:55 PM
Good stuff, man! I like the finished version a lot. Kick-ass chick. who are you gonna submit too??

j giar
06-04-2008, 08:51 PM
Ten- Nice...real nice. Don't take the crits to heart...you're a talented artist and everyones just tryin' to help you get better. That's what's so kick-ass about this place.

jimmybott
06-05-2008, 04:33 AM
I really like the changes you made in the last panel. As Jeffo46 pointed out, the last panel was a little weak. but I think the changes you made to the shot effects really worked.

The page looks great, style wise it reminds me a bit of Cully Hamner (which is no bad thing). The look of the story brought back waves of nostalgia as it reminded me a little bit of Dan Nortons work on 'DV8 vs Blackops' one of my favourite wildstorm mini series ever :).

Can't wait for you to post some more.

wicked_chicken
06-05-2008, 05:27 PM
My only beef with the inked version is the last panel. I'm a sucker for exit wounds!

JMan
06-05-2008, 05:44 PM
Great page - reminds me of Yu's stuff. Thing I see is the bullet shell sequence doesn't match the beat of the fire sound effect sequence, and the entry/exit wound sequence in the last panel.

The shells are exiting the chamber in a ** * sequence, while the sound effects and the last panel have a * ** sequence.

Terriffic b&w work though, and good storytelling.

TenGuKu
06-07-2008, 12:38 PM
Hi guys n gals....Thanks for the c&c!!! :har:

Wayne Drake: Thanks pal, I think Im gonna try Avatar and maybe a couple more :)

j giar: Oh no, I meant it in a good way :laugh: as in that I found the comments helpful eheh, and that IS why i like posting here :P thanks again!

jimmybott: Whew, Im glad that it reads well, and even tho I liked the whole lateral movement bit, Im pretty satisfied w the result..As far as Cully Hamner goes, I only recently saw his stuff and I really like it, so thanks for the comparison :)

wicked_chicken: Duly noted. sorry to have robbed you of it >_> :har:

J Man: Thank you Sir. And that is quite an observation about the bullet rythm..definitely one I failed to make XD Thanks for pointing it out, I'll most certainly keep it in mind from now on.. :happy:

Here it is colored and temporarily lettered (with mock dialogue) just for the sake of demonstration...I wussed out from putting this in the colorist showcase cuz its not so showcase-able..anyhow the colors are meant to be desaturated (I like the look) and with very limited highlighting or shadowing...Im certain this is not everyone's cup of tea..but I really like the end result..anyhow you're welcome to bash it 6 ways till sunday if it offends...thanks again for looking...
Over...

http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb304/TenGuKu/page10-color-small1.jpg

WEB99
06-08-2008, 03:38 PM
I think your page as a whole came together real nice. I can't wait to see more. I hope your pitch goes well.