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TomekWitas
04-28-2008, 08:54 AM
Her is my first page of sequentials. Feel free to comment
http://i288.photobucket.com/albums/ll182/TomekWitas/Page9.jpg

vartemis
04-28-2008, 12:02 PM
Hey Tom, nice piece. I like the pacing and angles, but there are a few things you can work on.

Panel 1: continuity check. Her hair is down to her collar, but in the next panel it is slightly shorter. Keep an eye out for that.

Panel 2: I cant figure out how it's wrong, but the guy's head just doesn't seem to be sitting right on his neck, or perhaps it's just that it's at an awkward angle in relation to her head.

Panel 3: continuity check. In panel 2 his beard is shorter than it is in this panel. In fact it looks like his beard is different sizes in all the panels.

Panel 6: I love this panel. Only thing I would be careful of is the placement of the left hand. If this is just a "practice" page it shouldn't matter, but from a glance it looks like you are dangerously close to having the majority of it possibly chopped off as trim and/or bleed. It would look kind of silly to only see a few fingers from the hand. I would consider shifting the hands closer in on the page, and maybe bend his arms a little, similar to a streetfighter "hadouken".

Overall great job.

j

artsnake
05-03-2008, 01:05 AM
This looks great except for panel two. It looks stiff and out of place with the rest.
I think you need to rework it entirely. Thumb nail it several times if that is what it takes. You may find a new way of looking at it.

chris stevens
05-03-2008, 01:24 AM
very nice pencils but i think you need to move the camera around in a talking scene like this to keep it visually interesting. great facial expressions.

Gallant
05-03-2008, 02:44 AM
I like your style, but the figures, as realistic as they are, still look stiff. Example: The male in panel 2, see how static his shoulder and arm are? Try to loosen them up, twist his torso away from his pointing arm and get some motion into his gesture- exaggerate it a bit. He doesn't appear to be looking into her eyes, but as if he's looking over her shoulder at someone behind her.

When I did the Avengers for Marvel, my editors made the point that I was constantly making heads the same size and to avoid it whenever possible. You have that same prob. Try to pull the camera back or zoom it in, give the panels some variety.

Additionally, I try to make sure I throw in at least one worm/bird angle shot per page, it will help to spice up your page. Think of how much more dramatic the last panel might have been if you zoomed in on just his eyes? Also, you establish an eye level with the old man and the girl in P-2, but in the fourth panel he seems shorter. Did he sit down? Was he always shorter? If you had pulled back far enough you could have shown the "throne" room, so show it to us. If this is a sample page , then as an editor I'd want to see an establishing shot. Just something to think about. Good luck!