I'm Bored. Tell me a Story.

[chaosgoat]

Basically, it's Fall Break on campus, so everyone is at home. I however, have to work Monday and Tuesday, so I'm stuck on campus with nothing but the internet to amuse me.

So tell me a funny/weird/totally inappropriate story and I'll give you green points.

[FA]

When I was about four years old I woke up one morning convinced I could fly so instead of walking down the stairs I just stepped off the edge. I expected to float gently down to ground level. What I did not expect was to fall arse over tit, faceplant into almost every edge on the way down and then roll clean through the solid glass door at the bottom of the stairs.

I remember waking up in hospital, bitterly disappointed.

[deanne]

I have interesting dreams.

[Scott James]

Here's one from the archive:

http://www.ubersite.com/m/32733

[FA]

Go read this (http://kakki-kakki.blogspot.com/2007/08/id-never-thought-of-canadians-as.html)

If you can fight through the first part it gets pretty funny.

[Lord Fejj]

Ok here is my funny/stupid story: When I was a young delinquent, as opposed to old delinqunt, I went to the beach with a friend and we were drinking Mickey Big Mouths. Well my friend had remarked on the "alkaseltzer making a bird blow up" story (urban myth?) But he was never able to get a bird to eat them. Well at the beach, of course we were surronded by seagulls, we had no alkaseltzer but I had a stack of fast food napkins in the glove box. We tore strips of napkin and dipped it in beer and threw them out to the seagulls. One huge seagull chased all the others away and ate the beer drenched napkin strips. The more he ate, the more he began to wobble and become belligerent to the other birds. He got more and more wobbly, and we decided to get out and chase him to see if we could catch him. It began to run from us, staggering around and flapping his wings trying to fly. After we chased him about twenty feet, he finally managed to get up in the air, and flew out to a rock in the ocean. It was the funniest thing I ever saw, a wobbly seagull almost too drunk to run or fly! :p

[wisper]

back in the day..we were drunk. we were bikers in a car...we were @ million dollar Margo's apartment in the parking lot in the snow...me and smiling fred had to pee..we wore those 16 inch tall top motorcycle boots that u tucked you pants leg in.. we were standing by his car pee-in and I hit his boot top for a while b4 he knew it..he was pissed...on :laugh:

[Jon Dahl]

Some of you may recall this true story.
Two years ago Amanda and I were having sex, and she decided she wanted to be on top. We rolled over and continued. It was going quite well, I had made it past the three minute mark with no issues, and it looked like we might have a fun night of awesome, kinky, sweaty, sex.
Excited by this prospect, I placed my hands on her ass cheeks in an attempt to be a little more rough and exciting.
Well, this tactic did work because Amanda began to thrust in a moment of ecstasy, so much in fact, I slipped out and the head of my penis collided with my middle finger sending said finger on a journey down my urethra and splitting the head of my penis into two parts.
Screaming in agony I managed to convince Amanda I was in pain and in not having an orgasm. She ran over to the light switch and flicked it on.
Then she was able to see me naked and in the fetal position with blood all over my hands.
To make things worse, she thought it was hilarious and started cracking up laughing to the point where tears were rolling down her cheeks.
I was crying too, but not because I thought splitting my cock into two was funny, but because I was about to vomit from the extreme pain of my falice root canal. It was very bloody as my body in all the sexual excitement was redirecting it to my nether regions.
I managed to get out of bed and run to the shower holding myself like a kid who has to pee really badly. In the shower I was able to get cleaned off and examine the damage. It was fairly gruesome.
I have a good sense of humor and thought it would be funny to put a band-aid on the end, go back into the bedroom, and tell Amanda I was ready to go again.
That was dumb, because when I put the band-aid on I was still mildly aroused even after the accident, but now I was not... at all... and the skin was now wrinkled into the adhesive of the band-aid. I pulled it off and for the second time in one night, ripped the head of my penis off.
The next day I was worried about the condition I was in, so I showed it to the one person I knew would never laugh at me, the one person who could keep a secret, and the one person who would be sympathetic. My brother.

He was quite reluctant to examine it for me, but being the concerned older brother he finally agreed. I whipped it out, and he first cringed at the damage, than began to laugh uncontrollably... It was cold and I had been injured..... Anyway, I did recover without any scaring, but let this be a warning to those who have penises and finger; they do not go well together.... Unless the fingers are on the outside of the penis and you’re masturbating to internet porn, that's okay, but trust me, avoid putting anything into your penis. No matter how much of a good idea it may seem at the time, it will inevitably end in disaster and laughter at your expense.

[Scott James]

I've had the old-fashioned STD test where the nurse pops something the size of a cotton bud down the urethra and that hurt like a bitch. You have my utmost sympathy and admiration for simply being able to summon up the memory of what happened without curling into the foetal position and crying yourself to sleep.

[wisper]

I've had the old-fashioned STD test where the nurse pops something the size of a cotton bud down the urethra and that hurt like a bitch. You have my utmost sympathy and admiration for simply being able to summon up the memory of what happened without curling into the foetal position and crying yourself to sleep.


I had back in the day...the nurse looked like a truck driver in drag..

[chaosgoat]

I've had the old-fashioned STD test where the nurse pops something the size of a cotton bud down the urethra and that hurt like a bitch.

Two words: pap smear. Weirdest feeling in the world.

[Biofungus]

Well, my story certainly can't compete with self-penis-gouging, but it's more lighthearted:

A few weeks ago, my friend was playing the classic atari game, "Keystone Capers" on an emulator, and he messed up. I looked at him and said, "6 fucking kilobytes and the AI is still smarter than you."

[Mike225]

When I was about four years old I woke up one morning convinced I could fly so instead of walking down the stairs I just stepped off the edge. I expected to float gently down to ground level. What I did not expect was to fall arse over tit, faceplant into almost every edge on the way down and then roll clean through the solid glass door at the bottom of the stairs.

I remember waking up in hospital, bitterly disappointed.Here's what I don't get: in any TV show/movie/young person's life, if someone thinks they can fly, they jump off of something.

If you can fly, you can just float straight up! Don't make it a life or death thing!

[Lord Fejj]

I pulled it off and for the second time in one night, ripped the head of my penis off.
:eek:

[rummblestrips]

Er... yeah
I bit my tongue last tuesday while trying to eat a piece of pizza. I was in the middle of costco and I bit down so hard, I actually felt my teeth go into my tongue and come out as well. I started to sweat instantly it hurt so much. I ran to the bathroom and bled into the sink for a few minutes before it died down. It's 5 days later and it's now a row of cankers running along the side of my tongue, several small ones and one long large one where three of my teeth entered my tongue. I talked to my pharmacist today and asked why it's taking so long to heal, and he said everytime I move my tongue, because of the placement of the wounds, they're getting re-opened every time I eat or talk.
It's possibly the most annoying and painful thing I've done in a while... not as bad as what Jon did though.
ick.

[Buckyrig]

So tell me a funny/weird/totally inappropriate story and I'll give you green points.

You didn't read my Immigration thread, did you? :whistlin:

[JAQ]

Go read this (http://kakki-kakki.blogspot.com/2007/08/id-never-thought-of-canadians-as.html)I do not have time to waste on funny stories... and yet I thank you for directing me to this. :D

[BEN DENNIS]

Here's one from my most recent blog entry...

It's funny how things catch you when you're not really expecting them.
I mean, like last night for instance...
I was out on the back deck, chopping puppies into stew meat like I do most nights, when I get this feeling... The kind of feeling that something is just wrong.
Feeling the need to investigate, I tossed the rest of the puppy into the pile, put my pants back on, smeared the puppy blood from my face, and inhaled deeply.
Not knowing what to expect, I grabbed my trusty small arms machine gun, a paring knife, and a torch fashioned from a hobby horse and some kerosene soaked rags. Once armed, I made my way down the steps into the dark, luke-warm night.
I looked around my property, searching for signs that something might be out of the ordinary. Upon close inspection I noticed that everything was in it's place. The trash cans were sitting upright, the garage door was locked, the rake was sitting against the fence, the bloodthirsty demon was perched ominously atop my porch. Then I thought to myself, wait(!)... I don't have A RAKE!!!
But no matter, I carried on with my search.
Outside the sanctum of my privacy fence I found dead bodies scattered all over my lawn and the lawns of my neighbors. Monstrous creatures were running through the streets, baying at the moon and eating frozen burritos. Near the mailbox, a semi nude, two headed acrobat was playing the banjo with Flea of Red Hot Chili Peppers fame. While off in the distance, one could hear the sinister voice of Pat Sajak demanding that some unsuspecting fool purchase a vowel.
So, I turned back and shut the gate as nothing seemed abnormal.
I just couldn't put my finger on it...
I gave a half-hearted high-five as I passed the demon again, now feasting on someone's baby. I was perplexed...
This feeling wouldn't leave me.
I pulled out my list of things to do for the day... and each item was checked off. I asked my wife, and over the deafening noise of her band saw she mouthed the words "Shut up.".
What was it? What was it..?
Just then, atomic powered robot samurai burst through the fence and tried to assassinate me. I fought them off valiantly, just like the night before and last Tuesday too...
Outside the gate I could hear elephants trampling crippled people...
What was it..?
Then, as I fired off several rounds from my firearm into the night sky, Santa Claus landed in his flamboyantly decorated sleigh, adorned with silver and rhinestones. At first I was glad, then, after he gave me a low blow and a piledriver, not so much...
For the life of me I couldn't understand why I can defeat robot samurai but not Father Christmas...
What was it..? What was it?!!
Then, as the Earth split in two and Hellfire burst forth from the ground I remembered!!! I'd forgotten to mail off the property taxes! CRAP!!!

[Fred Duran]

Like FA, I also thought I could fly at a young age. Moreover, I was able to convince a friend that I could fly, and have him watch me do it.
I got up on top of a boulder and leapt off. Feeling myself falling, I put my leg down so I didn't fall on the concrete. My friend asked what happened, and I told him that I messed up.
I got back up onto the boulder and jumped off again. Once again, to stop myself from falling I put my leg down. My friend now grew doubtful of my abilities, but I assured him that the third time would be the charm.
I got back up on the boulder again. This time I did a little stretching, and stuck my finger into my mouth, then held it up in the air to check the wind. Not knowing what I was looking for, I figured the wind was okay, and then leapt off the rock as forcefully as possible. I felt myself falling again, but I didn't put my leg down this time.
As a result, I went headlong into another boulder, cracking my head open and proceded to bleed all over the place and scare the crap out of my friend, who thought I was going to get blood on him, and his mom, who thought I was dead.

[Multisync143]

Some of you may recall this true story.
Two years ago Amanda and I were having sex, and she decided she wanted to be on top. We rolled over and continued. It was going quite well, I had made it past the three minute mark with no issues, and it looked like we might have a fun night of awesome, kinky, sweaty, sex.
Excited by this prospect, I placed my hands on her ass cheeks in an attempt to be a little more rough and exciting.
Well, this tactic did work because Amanda began to thrust in a moment of ecstasy, so much in fact, I slipped out and the head of my penis collided with my middle finger sending said finger on a journey down my urethra and splitting the head of my penis into two parts.
Screaming in agony I managed to convince Amanda I was in pain and in not having an orgasm. She ran over to the light switch and flicked it on.
Then she was able to see me naked and in the fetal position with blood all over my hands.
To make things worse, she thought it was hilarious and started cracking up laughing to the point where tears were rolling down her cheeks.
I was crying too, but not because I thought splitting my cock into two was funny, but because I was about to vomit from the extreme pain of my falice root canal. It was very bloody as my body in all the sexual excitement was redirecting it to my nether regions.
I managed to get out of bed and run to the shower holding myself like a kid who has to pee really badly. In the shower I was able to get cleaned off and examine the damage. It was fairly gruesome.
I have a good sense of humor and thought it would be funny to put a band-aid on the end, go back into the bedroom, and tell Amanda I was ready to go again.
That was dumb, because when I put the band-aid on I was still mildly aroused even after the accident, but now I was not... at all... and the skin was now wrinkled into the adhesive of the band-aid. I pulled it off and for the second time in one night, ripped the head of my penis off.
The next day I was worried about the condition I was in, so I showed it to the one person I knew would never laugh at me, the one person who could keep a secret, and the one person who would be sympathetic. My brother.

He was quite reluctant to examine it for me, but being the concerned older brother he finally agreed. I whipped it out, and he first cringed at the damage, than began to laugh uncontrollably... It was cold and I had been injured..... Anyway, I did recover without any scaring, but let this be a warning to those who have penises and finger; they do not go well together.... Unless the fingers are on the outside of the penis and you’re masturbating to internet porn, that's okay, but trust me, avoid putting anything into your penis. No matter how much of a good idea it may seem at the time, it will inevitably end in disaster and laughter at your expense.

You have the worst luck of anyone. All the shit that happens to you it's surprising you haven't killed yourself. Both on purpose or by accident.

[Multisync143]

Two words: pap smear. Weirdest feeling in the world.

I'm glad i don't have a vagina.

[Lord Fejj]

A prostate exam ain't much fun either! :man: Or a colonoscopy for that matter!

[Biofungus]

Two words: pap smear. Weirdest feeling in the world.
You do know you're only supposed to get them from licensed professionals, right? I mean, not the drunken college guy next to you who swears he knows what he's doing...

[Mic. Gee]

http://jokes.m3rlin.org/funny/wp-content/uploads/2007/06/000849-sheep-pig-cow-old-pervert-man-wearing-stockings-bra-porn-having-sex-with-animal-doll.jpg

[colorzoo]

http://jokes.m3rlin.org/funny/wp-content/uploads/2007/06/000849-sheep-pig-cow-old-pervert-man-wearing-stockings-bra-porn-having-sex-with-animal-doll.jpg
Oh Gawd, I just threw up in my mouth! :yuk:

[Jon Dahl]

You have the worst luck of anyone. All the shit that happens to you it's surprising you haven't killed yourself. Both on purpose or by accident.

I know. I'm pretty sure I picked on the Jesus in high school. If I had only known he had returned to the Earth I would have been nicer to him... Plus, I would have prepared for the apocalypse a litte better. I don't know, maybe purchased a raft or something.

[Toyandgadgetguy]

Once upon a time, I drove somebody's truck into the Great South Bay. I pulled him out of the window, she got out of the passenger side, and I proceeded to aim it towards the boat ramp. They stood there and watched. I'm not proud of it now, but I was back then. The truck was only four years old, and I was pissed enough that I lost my temper and did something stupid. He never even called the police. Just put it under his insurance I found out later. What's worse is that all the girl had to do was break it off with me, and I'd have been fine with her picking up with him. In the end, I was more pissed at him for screwing around with her without telling me. I had considered him a friend.

Yes, it was stupid, and I was a jerk, but it makes for one heck of an interesting story.

[Jon Dahl]

Once upon a time, I drove somebody's truck into the Great South Bay. I pulled him out of the window, she got out of the passenger side, and I proceeded to aim it towards the boat ramp. They stood there and watched. I'm not proud of it now, but I was back then. The truck was only four years old, and I was pissed enough that I lost my temper and did something stupid. He never even called the police. Just put it under his insurance I found out later. What's worse is that all the girl had to do was break it off with me, and I'd have been fine with her picking up with him. In the end, I was more pissed at him for screwing around with her without telling me. I had considered him a friend.

Yes, it was stupid, and I was a jerk, but it makes for one heck of an interesting story.

I had to read this twice to figure out you got pissed off that your friend was going behind your back with your girlfriend, so you drove his truck into the bay. :laugh:

[Toyandgadgetguy]

I had to read this twice to figure out you got pissed off that your friend was going behind your back with your girlfriend, so you drove his truck into the bay. :laugh:

Oh sure. Give everyone the abridged version. Straight and to the point isn't very Yoda-like. :laugh:

I did write one heck of a hodge-podge there, though...