Does this work or not? (comments/crits please)

[eltonpruitt]

My first pass on this page left me really unhappy with how it looks. The scene is supposed to be this quiet, middle of the night exchange, and the back and forth balloonage just screws it all up, to me.

http://intelligentzombie.com/preview/14-original.jpg

So tonight I tried something different and I'd like to hear what you guys think as to whether this works or not.

http://intelligentzombie.com/preview/14.jpg

With the absence of balloons, I tried to use placement and then in panel 4, the little back and forth lines, to indicate the speaker.

I am the writer, so I don't have to worry about whether he will be happy with it or not ; ) So what do you guys think? Does this work? And if not, any suggestions on a better approach?

thanks a gazillion, as always!

Elton

[Kep!]

I think making the balloons a color other than white would fit your art better. Try sampling a light gray or blue and I bet you like it better.

[Jason Arthur]

or maybe even try a 50% opacity balloon.

-- J

[Kep!]

or maybe even try a 50% opacity balloon.

-- J
Eeeeeew.

though, you could be right...but Eeeeeew.

[Jason Arthur]

IDW does it a lot on their books.

I've only had to do it once (on Zombie Highway), but it came out nicely.

-- J

[Kep!]

As a rule, I'm not a fan, it just doesn't feel right. However, I've done it and liked it on rare occasions...and this looks like one of those it might work.

[JeffPowell]

I've seen that 50% transparency "technique" used a few times before. I'm not really a fan of it myself. I didn't know it was supposed to be used to imply a whisper. It kind of just looks wrong to me. But hey, it's all personal preference, right?

[Jason Arthur]

http://jasonarthur.com/images/sample.jpg

See the "huhn?" in the second panel?

What do you think about that...does it work?

-- J

[Jason Arthur]

Oh, and I'd put the "Good Question" in the final panel...up in the upper left hand corner, above his head. That way you can avoid dueling tails.

-- J

[Kep!]

I like the 50% here, it works (I'll go to hell for saying that, I'm sure). Especially if it's used in contrast with "normal" balloons in the last panel. Nice.

[eltonpruitt]

Thanks for all the tips and suggestions, guys. Now I can't wait to get home from work and try them out!

Jason, I like the 50% opacity example you did.

Don't you guys think the one panel with the back and forth and back and forth and back is just downright annoying? Or is it just me?

Is it unanimous that the "no balloon" technique I was trying does not work?

[Jason Arthur]

Don't you guys think the one panel with the back and forth and back and forth and back is just downright annoying? Or is it just me?

Yeah, but it's something us letterers have to get used to. Most of these writers never realize what they've done to us (and the readers) until they see how you render the lettering.

Is it unanimous that the "no balloon" technique I was trying does not work?

Yeah, it's just too confusing.

-- J

[Kel Nuttall]

No ballons doesn't work on this for me.

I like the 50% Jason did....just make sure you have a pretty good grasp of how much darker things are in print than on the monitor. I've done the see through balloons and boxes thing on occasion (Next issue of DWP for one) and one I did early on was a little too dark for my tastes once it hit print.

The panel with all the back and forth...personally I'd break it up. I'd move the "Yeah, I don't know if..." balloon up to the panel above, move "I'm friggin freezing" to the upper left corner above his head, and I'd move "you feel cold..." and "God you're hot" up a panel. It's feels very unbalanced...both visually (which isn't always the primary concern) and in terms of rythm.

[eltonpruitt]

I took you guys' suggestions; is this better? I just overwrote the existing image file, so the one at the top that was the no-balloon version is the new one I did tonight.

thanks,
Elton

[Jason Arthur]

Nicely done.

Take Kel's advice and print it out (local Kinkos or something) and see how dark it comes out. You may need to change the opacity to as much as 75% to avoid it washing out.

This flows a lot better too. Nice work.

-- J

[eltonpruitt]

Thanks Jason, I appreciate all your help! I could never be a real letterer, because sound effects and titles scare the crap out of me. But I really dig the artistic and storytelling aspect of lettering stories I write. And it's always nice to have one last chance to edit myself!