first 5 pages draft of little assasins

[sabba]

here is the first five pages of little assasins be honest and critique please

Little assassins
by © saeed sabbagh

P1/ comic page 1

scene1
Amy, being late for practice Amy wearing jeans and t-shirt

Caption 1: welcome to the Academy lactated in a secret location , meet Amy one of the would be little assassins who is not usually late for anything but today.

Panal1: Amy looking at her watch .



Panal2: Amy looks worried
Amy: damn I'm late

Panal3 Amy starts to run down some steps


Panal4: Amy turns right
Panal5: Amy runs down more steps .

Amy: pants damn it, I am never late.






P2/ comic page 2

Scene 2
Amy, starts to rush down a long corridor

Panal1: Amy runs down final set of steps .


Panal2: she looks left

Panal3 she looks right and turns right
Amy: Yep this way



Panal4: (continues onto panel 5) running very fast as a human can , long corridor
Panal5: .

Page 3

Scene 3: Amy continues running


Panel 1: Amy runs to a door

Panel 2: Amy enters a court yard


Panel 3: Amy starts picking up pace


Page 4 +5 : double page scene of Amy trying to rush in a massive courtyard with various training grounds the reason for this double page is to give sense of size of complex.

Caption: as you can see the Academy is not a small facility it caters to a lot of hopefuls aiming to join the little assassin ranks . Oh look two more students practicing some sword techniques (Sonja and Clair practicing Samurai sword techniques on dummies in the background)

[AthenaRose]

OK, first of all - buildings do not 'lactate', nursing mothers do. And I wouldn't replace 'lactated' with 'located' either, as 'located in a secret location' is a tad OTT - unless that's the effect you're going for.

Secondly, panel descriptions are instructions to your artist, not a story for a reader. So, I wouldn't bother with 'Amy starts picking up pace' - I'd just put 'Amy picks up pace'. In the same vein - Pg 2 Panel3 'she looks right and turns right' describes two separate actions. Remember that a comic panel is a 'snapshot', a single moment frozen in time. There is only room for one action per panel.

Thirdly, in the double page spread, 'Sonja and Clair practicing Samurai sword techniques on dummies in the background' would be better in the main description. You could also invite your artist to use their imagination at this point about the sorts of activities that might be on show.

Finally, I can't comment on your story because there isn't enough of it, yet. I don't know anything about Amy - except that, for some reason, she wants to be a 'little assassin', which doesn't pique my personal interest, I'm afraid - so I don't care about her enough to want to see more. But, if you post more, I'll certainly read it in the hopes that my interest will be awakened!

[sabba]

thhankx for the useful comments and i can see where you are comming from . it is hard to see ones own mistakes espacilly that i am dyslexic. i get too nmany ideas and when i try doing the current idea i get too excited to think properly. how you suggest to make the amy more interesting? ,i am thinking to change that they want to be little assasinsto they are chosen and not all chosen will make it as later on in the script or scripts

[AthenaRose]

Well, I'm not sure this introduction really needs to be 5 pages long. All we see is Amy running up and down corridors - that could be managed over fewer pages. For example, have 6 panels running horizontally across a single page showing different corridors (possible from different angles, too) with Amy at various points along the panel/corridor. Other students could be included shouting out helpful comments like 'which class are you in, now?' or 'I've never known you to be late before, Amy!'. Her replies will give us an insight into her character, right there on the first page.

Even the splash probably only needs to be a single page - a good artist will be able to give us a sense of scale.

So, we've cut 5 pages down to 2, giving you more room for story / character development.

Seeing how other people have tackled the issue of getting story & characters across quickly can really help. ASJ41 (http://www.uggabugga.net/asj41/chapters/index.htm) is an on-line on-going comic series with each episode told in 6 pages. Our own Dirk Manning's Nightmare World (http://www.nightmareworld.com/) has episodes of 8 pages - I especially recommend 'Bitter Wine' which drops you right into the story. Being restricted in the number of pages you can write is really challenging because you have to grab the reader's attention right away.

Of course, you may not have a set number of pages at the moment, but the principle of grabbing your reader remains. If you don't do it in the first panel on the first page, they won't read anything else.

I appreciate that being dyslexic must add to your difficulties - do you have anyone who could act as a beta-reader? Someone whose spelling, grammar and punctuation are always (or at least 99%) spot on! I also know what you mean about just wanting to get the ideas out of your head and pinned down on the page. That's why we write, isn't it? To share those ideas with others. But just because something has you by the throat doesn't mean anyone else will care about it. You have to give them a reason to care, which brings me back to my earlier point.

OK, enough soap-boxing! Happy writing :D

[sabba]

thanks for the suggestions i can't put people in the corridor since they all at some sort of practice but i get your point but i can put people on the second or third page . i am aslo working on webcomic that is inpired by dirk manning and i got his blessing , agghh my head hurts the voices , the voices . seriously i love comics and my ulimate dream is to be a comic publisher which might happen if my cuz continues his insight on business plus i am reading lots of books on how to self publish. anyhow thankx again